Affirmations:
I
give and receive all good and only good.
I
no longer take anything personally.
I
teach and learn to trust and free myself and others.
I
are respectful, responsible and cooperative in my relationships.
Everyone
communicates differently.
Past communication
experiences influence what we expect and how we respond or react.’
Our childhood,
community, language and culture all influence how we communicate.
What we consider
normal and healthy is different for everyone, since there is no norm.
When we grow up
in a family that argues, we may expect and even create arguing.
When we grow up in a
family that is silent, we may anticipate and encourage quiet.
When two parties are
comfortable with their own way, they may object to another way.
It is valuable to
create ways to communicate that are effective with both people.
Some people think
before they speak or contemplate before they respond to a question or request.
Some people talk in
order to listen to themselves and do not know until they hear themselves.
Some work out their
issues and just want to share their process outloud.
Some need to express
their inner conflict and confusion aloud to better ask for clarification and
help.
Men usually think
and act in a linear and step by step manner.
Men usually only ask
for help, when they feel they truly cannot do it themselves.
Women usually think
in a circular way and often express intermixing feelings.
Women usually only
want someone to listen, while they sort our their needs and wants.
Children and
parents often get confused and caught up in the emotional communication.
Children try to get
attention and someone to listen using whatever means works.
Tantrums, begging,
logic, problems, yelling, getting in trouble are all ways of getting attention.
Adults also become
adept at getting their needs met by using whatever works similarly.
In your own
communication patterns, what is most effective?
What causes
confusion or conflict?
What creates peace,
happiness and fulfillment?
What is the best way
to communicate with you?
Some like face to
face contact.
Some prefer
everything important over the phone or skype.
Some like all
emotional issues in writing to avoid the upsets.
Some prefer morning
time or after a meal and never before
bedtime!
When couples or
friends get into unhealthy habits, they may not recognize the need for change.
Usually there is an
escalation of upsets or frustration that signal a time for change in
communication.
Patterns that have
previously worked may no longer work or be helpful to one or both parties.
It may require an
exploration of how best to change the habitual patterns.
I often recommend
that couples sit, ride or walk side by side to talk.
Facing the same
direction with light physical contact, helps with intimacy and helpful sharing.
Direct face to face
caommunication may lead to feeling confronted or attacked.
Side by side can
feel more like being on the same team and working on the problem together.
Men usually do
not deal well with women’s feelings and emotional reactions..
Men are easily
overwhelmed with women’s feelings.
Men want to know
what they can do to help, specifically.
When women need to
share feelings, it usually works better with another woman or in a journal.
When a woman wants
her man to listen to her, it works to ask specifically.
Ie.” I just need
you to hold me while I cry.”
Or” Just listen
to me talk, even if you don’t understand”.
“I need your time
and attention for 30 minutes.
Is now a good
time for you?”
I often teach
women to stop creating upsets and problems by expecting men to be like
girl friends.
Men respond or react
(often with anger) very different emotionally with problems and needs, due to
familial or cultural imprinting.
See what I have
written about “What men and women really want” below.
My suggestion for
women (and men) is that you develop the habit of writing your feelings down.
A good way to
begin---
The real
reason I feel upset is:
(the work is to
offload or write down every thought and feeling that comes to mind)
Keep asking
your mind ‘What is the real reason?’
You need to let
go of every thought and feeling. This will be pages of thoughts.
Understand that
in writing them down it clears them from your archived material in your mind.
What is written
down is dumping like puking and pooping and flushing the toilet.
What happens to
us must go through us.
Receive what is
nurturing and beneficial.
Dump the rest.
Learn to stop
taking on what is unhealthy (toxic) for you or others.
Never dump
toxic material on your loved ones.
Dump and flush
in the privacy of your own bathroom.
Let go of all
criticism, blame, anger, shame, guilt, hurt, resentment, etc.
Remember and
take in what is good, helpful, healing, beneficial, wise, loving and kind.
Healthy communication
is obvious, because both parties are happy and healthy.
Take the time to
clear everything in your communication that is negative and hurtful.
Be conscious of
what works and doesn’t work for you and the other persons.
Love yourself
enough to give yourself the very best.
Loving us all as we
learn to share with others our very best.
Betty Lue
What
Men and Women Really Want
This
describes our egoic (learned personality) behaviors and motivations, not our
higher or spiritual nature.
Generalizations about what gender really wants are
just that –generalizations!
However
there are consistent behaviors among genders that are often misunderstood.
Sometimes
men and women simply project their intentions and emotions onto the opposite
sex.
Or
frequently there are gender stereotypes which cause misperceptions in
relationships.
Ie. When
a woman won’t talk, it is because she is resentful or punishing the other
person.
When men
won’t talk and withdraw, it is usually because they don’t know what to say
without exposing their emotional vulnerability and prefer to work it out
without hurting the other or themselves.
In
general….men simply want to make their woman happy.
Men are
simple.
Men try
hard to please the other after doing their “job” the best they can as protector
and provider.
Men are
confused by emotions and emotional behavior.
Men have
difficulty reading what changing emotional states and behaviors are really
saying.
Men do
their best to make it right, but have limited tools or understanding.
Men
objectify women.
Men often
are simply seeing their woman as the object of their love.
Men are
dependent on a woman.
(Men tend
to remarry within one year of losing their partner, On average for women it is
five years.)
Men use
their relationship as their north star, the compass by which they guide their
course in life.
Men need
their woman to be clear about what really matters and stay true to her word.
When the
woman changes her mind, it is frustrating, confusing and can cause depression
and distress.
Men have
learned to stay away when a woman (mother) is upset until they “know” what to
do.
Men try
hard to keep the relationship on an even keel.
Men tend
to exert all their energy in doing what they know they can do….earn money and
keep safe.
They
often use TV, internet and video games to go into the zone to undo stress and
to stay out of trouble.
In
general, criticism shuts down their energy and makes them weak, uncertain and
confused.
Men would
rather avoid fights by staying away (under the radar). ( Working or playing or
unavailable.)
Men rely
on their woman’s happiness and approval to know that they are OK, wanted and
belong.
In
general…women simply want their way.
Women are
complex.
Women
please themselves by doing their job of nurturing and nourishing the whole
family.
Women
stir emotions and emotional reactions and see them as indicating love and
loyalty.
Women
project their motives onto men, not recognizing the differences.
Women do
their best to manipulate, control and convince to get their believed “right”
way.
Women
utilize men.
Women use
men to protect, provide and produce children.
Women are
independent and capable of caring for themselves, but it is less work with
willing help.
Women
oversee the big picture and plan for the future of themselves and their
families.
Women
multitask and seem to consider all elements.
Women are
best at scheduling and making future plans.
Women can
be effective assistants to men and know how to control the outcome.
Women use
their relationship as the means to get what they want: home, family, travel,
companion, etc.
Women
resent criticism and will find ways to get even, defend and attack.
Women
expect men to be like women and disrespect men’s inabilities to perform.
Women use
emotions as power, fighting to confuse the man, to win and get their way.
Women use
the man’s compliance (obedience) as the indication of his love and loyalty.
These
generalizations are based on 30 years of observation and listening to the
genders express their unconscious and conscious motivations. Betty Lue