Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Do Your Relationships Work?

Are you willing to settle for less than success?
Do you want to compromise your values?
Are you sacrificing to keep your relationship?
Do you want the other party to sacrifice too?

Does your relationship lack common goals and values?
Are both of you totally honest and open?
Do you each contribute equally to the relationship: time, energy and resources?
Are you both committed to what is best for each of you?
Do you take responsibility for the quality of the relationship with no guilt or blame?

Couples try to make relationships work, because “They Love one another.”
We can love many folks whom we would never want to live with and partner with for life. 
Partners confess: “They need each other emotionally or financially.”
Whenever we are dependent on someone, we will receive whatever they have to give.

People often stay in a friendship, job, partnership or marriage, because they are stuck.
They may be stuck in loyalty, stuck in false hope, stuck in fear, stuck in a house or kids or agreement.
When we are afraid to make a change, because it will look bad to others or hurt someone, we are stuck.
To see clearly what is in our best interest, we must stop judging and clarify what we want.

When we make a relationship agreement, we often choose based on what we want to be true.
When we make commitments to be friend, partner, employee or spouse, we often choose emotionally.
When we experience the side effects of our agreements, we may be offended, disappointed or angry.
Emotions are wake up calls to invite us to look rationally at the component benefits and deficits involved.

Changing agreements responsibly and respectfully:
Changing agreements respectfully requires that we forgive ourselves and others for not choosing consciously.
Changing agreements respectfully asks that we stop the emotional blame and guilt game and be neutral.
Changing agreements responsibly requires that we clarify what is true for all parties, including expectations.
Changing agreements honorably requires that we seek only the outcome that is best for all parties.

Remember if it is not best for you, it is not best for them.
If you cannot be your best, you will not give your best to the other.
If either party sacrifices or loses, both people relinquish success.
Only when we give live our best and the other is giving and living their best.

Consider the Keys to Successful Relationships below:
They work! 
Consider letting go of what you hoped could be and choose for what you want.
Consider being grateful to learn the lessons for successful partnerships in all areas of life.

Loving us all as we learn to drop the drama, the fantasy and the games we play in life.
Betty Lue

Five Keys for Successful Relationships

To have successful relationships with partners, spouse, coworkers, teammates, children there are five essential factors: Joining, Honesty, Equality, Commitment, Responsibility.
Joining: All parties must share a common goal or vision for their relationship. This shared vision comes from communication regarding the needs of each individual, their vision for the future and what they share in common.

Honesty: Honest communication is sharing what really matters with no blame, guilt or withholds.
Honest is a byproduct of integrity, living one’s life on purpose with openness and appreciation.

Equality: When both parties are giving their best in each moment, there is equality.  Equality is not measured by comparison: it is experienced when there is the willingness to give one’s best even when it is less than the other.  To quit or hold back on one’s giving creates inequality.

Commitment: To commit to the fulfillment of the desired vision or goal and to the success of the relationship requires always choosing what is best for both.  Decisions are based on what is a win/win for all concerned.  One must be committed to what is highest and best for each party.

Responsibility: Being fully able and willing to respond to whatever is needed to create success through joining, honesty, equality and commitment is being fully responsible.  Where there is guilt or blame being communicated, there is inequality and victimization as well as lack of responsibility.

To be successful requires staying conscious.
To be successful requires a willingness to communicate with respect.
To be successful requires an acceptance of differences.
To be successful requires open-minded and appreciation of all parties.

To take on unconscious patterns of dysfunctional family systems will limit the success of one’s joining, honest communication, true willingness to give, total commitment to what is best for all and assuming full responsibility for the quality of the relationship.

If you want success and fulfillment in your relationships, begin today to observe what you can do to improve yourself and your way of relating in every way.  You need not depend upon another’s changing in order to increase the quality of your relating. You can do it yourself!

Blessings for choosing a better way,
Betty Lue

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Reveal to Heal

We cannot heal what we keep hidden inside.
We cannot set free what we are unwilling to see.
We cannot let go of what we do not know.
So look inside and see what abides.

What are our healing needs?
Am I easy to anger or to forgive?
Am quick to defend or simply let go?
Am I fearful and worried or full of love and gratitude?
Do I spend time thinking about what is wrong or celebrate what is full of delight?
Do I think about what is missing or enjoy all I have?
Do I keep secrets and distrust or share always my highest intention with joy?
Am I anxious about life and worry about my loved ones, or have confidence in others’ life journey?

Most people unconsciously carry on the unhealthy habits of their family system and role models.
When there was worrying and anxiety, we learn to worry and be anxious.
When there was anger and abusive language or actions, we often learn to be angry.
When our families were filled with conflict and arguing, we may have learned to disagree.

Are there unhealthy habits you learned as an infant and child?.
·     Being needy or sick to get attention
·     Being anxious and worried about others safety and mistakes.
·     Offering advice, suggestions and answers to questions unasked of you.
·     Interrupting when others are speaking.
·     Trying to get your point across without really listening to another.
·     Avoiding eye contact and honest communication.
·     Being afraid to trust anyone and expecting others to hurt or deny you.
·     Using substances (prescribed or street drugs) to handle pain.
·     Looking for short term gratification or expecting someone to do it for you.
·     Using threats, demand and power to get respect.
·     Never expressing your true feelings or desires and expecting others to know.
·     Taking care of others and creating dependency to make you feel valuable.
·     Distracting and using humor to avoid meaningful communication.
·     Staying busy and using meaningless activities to avoid real relationships.
·     Feeling sorry for yourself and playing small to stay out of the way.

Are you willing to clear unconscious habits that are no longer helpful or of value to you?
First see it and then release it easily with forgiveness, gratitude and joy.
To see it without judgment is to release it.
Awareness with Love is healing.
To offer forgiveness is to erase with Love. 
To undo what is not true is to be whole.

My mind automatically erases everything that is not wholly true and loving.
My body gently releases everything that does not support my loving works.
My emotions easily set free all that is not true for me to be.
I quickly, easily and naturally clear all fear and  allow myself to be All I AM
Loving you and me consciously,
Betty Lue 

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Release and Let Go!

How do we release attachment and addiction?
How do we let go of jealousy and dependency?
How do we detach from neediness and victimization?
How do we undo fear, worrying and anxiety?
How do we clear anger and resentment?
How do we erase obsession and depression?

How do we heal the past and choose again? 
How do we find clarity and direction?
How do we choose what is healing and healthy?
How do we grow up and take responsibility for our lives?
How do we release remembered pain and choose again for joy?
How do we focus our energy on where we are going instead of where we have been?
How do we sing with gratitude rather than complain with bitterness?

Listen to your heart song.
Each morning ask yourself what you want your day to be. 
Write what you really want to have, to do and to be.
Affirm that you deserve and can create whatever is good for you.

Clear your environment of unhealthy temptations.
Clear your mind of unhappy memories and thoughts.
Clear your body of all dark or heavy foods, substances or activities.
Clear your energy (your Spirit) of anything other than Love, Joy and Peace.

Treat yourself like the precious child you are.
Remember that your life is a sacred gift.
Only do what you would do for an honored guest.
Appreciate each step you make toward your own best interest.

Stop making yourself wrong.
Get yourself our of pain with natural activities (singing, dancing, meditating, creating, enjoying nature.)
Go to the beach, the forest, the river or lake to find your authentic self, your inner beauty and goodness.
Empower yourself with owning your greatness, your purpose and destiny, your right to BE.

Find help and support with people who genuinely care.
Give yourself time and celebrate the little changes each day.
When you make a mistake and r4eturn to the old way, forgive yourself instantly.
When in doubt or fear, stop and choose again for what you really want.

Life is continuum of choices.
The more conscious we are, the more open we are to see what the choice really is.
Give yourself the privacy, the patience and perspective to see what you really want to be, to do and to have.
When you know this, you will celebrate by loving yourself and choosing always and only for the very best.

Loving you now and always, the way you are and the way you are coming to be.
Betty Lue

30 Days to Enlightenment  and Waking Up
30 Days to Healing and Seeing things Differently!
This exercise has a profound impact on how we see and live our lives.
This daily practice will heal and transform your life
With continued practice, there will be a spiritual awakening.
Forgiveness heals our perception and gives us Response-Ability.
Choice empowers us to Create our Experience Consciously.
Gratitude expands what we Choose and increases our Joy.

Daily Practice:
Begin each morning with a pad of lined paper and a pen.
Write and say 30 forgivenesses as they come to mind. 
Simply write “I forgive”…and let the rest just come from within. 
(No need to understand or feel anything.)
I forgive you for being mean.
I forgive myself for letting anyone hurt me.
I forgive my body’s limitation.
I forgive myself for being late.
I forgive everything.
Make the sound “AAAH” for 1-2 minutes.
Imagine that you are opening your mind.
Now write and say 30 Choices. 
I choose to be happy. 
I choose to be free.  
I choose to do what I love. 
I choose to forgive….
In the Evening (before bed)
Write and say 30 Gratitudes
I appreciate the energy I have.
I love being happy.
I am grateful I have you in my life.
I thank God.
Make the  sound “OM”  the Universal sound for Love and God for 1-2 minutes.

PS Even a few of each is better than none.  
Do what you can and trust it is working.
Loving You always, 
Betty Lue

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Addictions and Attachments

Remember not every reminder is for everyone!   
But it may be for someone you love or wish to remind. 
Make sure you are reading them to understand how to love better, not to teach the other a lesson!
Be sure to delete what is not helpful or loving for you.

Are you self medicating to handle your own emotional and physical pain?
Do you believe that you can cover the pain with a prescribed drug, street drug or addiction?
Are you caught in the pain of not living the life you really want?
Do you wish someone or something could take the pain and fear and despair away?

Are you attached to a person or substance or activity that you HOPE will set you free?
Are you wishing that something outside yourself can offer the magic to stop the pain?
Are you fantasizing that even a temporary respite, a moment of relief with help?
Are you deceiving yourself by believing curing the symptom will handle the cause?

Our world often tricks us into believing what we want is what we need.
Our mind seems to make up excuses and explanations for why we need what is not helping.
Our culture often sells us the “stuff” as the “fix” to get us to keep buying: saying “more is better”.
And our friends seem happy doing it, so why not try is too!

So what is your answer to your inner quest and craving?
What is your cure-all for your hunger and to stop the pain?
What is your magic potion for your dissatisfaction with life?
What do you believe will “make your dreams come true”?

What do you believe you need to be whole, happy and free?
Possible answers???
Someone to love you and support you and take care of you?
An affair where you have romance and get your physical needs met?
A divorce so you can be free and do your own thing?
Having kids and being able to feel their unconditional love and dependency on you?
A better job so you can be happy going to work everyday.
A bigger house so you can impress your friends and make it feel beautiful
Winning the Lottery so you can afford a nice vacation and that big house.
Losing weight so you can feel attractive and wear nice clothes.
Better health so you don’t have to keep going to doctors and taking medicine..
Being smarter so you get better grades or can get a degree.
Being happy life instead of being depressed.
Having energy so you can get something done.
Having friends so you don’t feel so lonely.
Getting high so you don’t have to think.
Stopping the fear and anxiety so you can function.
Getting out of pain so you can do normal stuff.
Relaxing and releasing stress and feeling pressure.
Stopping the craziness of the world you are in.

Help and healing begin within.  
When we are obsessing on what is not working, we cannot see what will work.
We take shortcuts to stop the craving and neediness.
We cover the symptoms without healing the cause.
We keep attracting more of the same, because our focus is on the problem.

When we want to heal, we must see the “problem” for what it really is.
When we want to fix ourselves, we must reveal the “leak”, the disconnect and stop the misinformation.
When we identify the problem with something external, we will attempt to plug the leak with externals.
The problem lies with our own disconnection with our true Self, our Higher Self, our authentic Self.

The answers lie within.
We must see what really is.
Trust that a Higher Power will settle every problem.
Forgiving, erasing and deleting misinformation and misidentification is the key.

More tomorrow.
Loving you,  
Betty Lue
Tips for Whole Life Health
1.   Nutrition—Ingest the best and forget the rest. Feed your body and mind only what is best for you.
2.   Movement—Enjoy moving with the natural flow of life.
3.   Breath—Breathe in life energy and expand your awareness. Exhale fully to release what is no longer needed.
4.   Touch—Reach out with love and respect.
5.   Thought—Choose thoughts which heal and free you.
6.   Forgiveness—Erase beliefs which limit you.
7.   Attitude—Express gratitude. Enjoy life.
8.   Balance—Moderation in all things brings harmony.
9.   Perception—What you perceive in others, you strengthen in yourself.
10. Purity—Eliminate toxic thoughts, activities and relationships.
11. Rest—Relax your mind and body to be revitalized.
12. Contribution—Give everyone what you want to have.

 You Are A Flower in the Garden of Life
If you would grow to be your best self
Be patient, not demanding
Accepting, not condemning
Nurturing, not withholding
Self-marveling, not belittling
Gently guiding, not pushing & punishing

For you are more sensitive than you know
Mankind is tough as war
Yet delicate as flowers
We can endure agonies
But we open fully only to warmth & light
And our need to grow is fragile as a fragrance
Dispersed by storms of will
To return only when those storms are still

So accept, respect,
Attend your sensitivity

A flower
Cannot be opened
With a hammer

Friday, February 24, 2012

Who Is Loving You?

Are you loving you?
What you give to yourself is what you teach the world to give to you!
When you expect nothing, you get nothing.
When you expect to be hurt, you get hurt.

When we are not loving ourselves well, we become vulnerable and sensitive.
When we are not treating ourselves with respect, we are take others disrespect personally.
When we are not giving ourselves the best we know, we hope someone else will.
When we are not trusting, respecting and loving ourselves, we attract others who are not as well.

What you believe, you will see and experience.
Yes, we learn from our relationship with our parent and others as infants how to treat ourselves.
We often learn from them  by how they treat us, but also by how they treat themselves.
Often our learning is more from thoughts held in mind more than words or behavior.

When we realize we have constructed our lives based on others ideas, words and behaviors, we can change it.
When we are willing to enjoy the process of discovery rather than judge it, we can erase it all easily.
When we clear the fear, hurt, anger and sadness quickly, we use forgiveness to let go and learn.
When we base our choices on what is highest and best for all concerned, we choose wisely.

To love you well, you need to let go of your past history and the stories you tell to yourself.
To love you well, you need to release negative or toxic people who say limiting things about you.
To love you well, you need to have a picture of the life your desire with confident gratitude included.
To love you well, you need to give up on negative thinking, destructive habits and self pity and complaining.

To love you well, you need to stop scaring yourself .
To love you well, you need to stop feeling guilty.
To love you well, you need to stop blaming anyone.
To love you well, you need to stop quitting on yourself.

A new life begins inside you.
A new life begins with self forgiveness.
A new life begins with affirmation.
A new life begins with realizing your power.
A new life begins with discovering your greatness.
A new life begins with a willingness to give your best.
A new life begins with loving yourself unconditionally.
A new life begins with saying YES to your heart’s desires.
A new life begins with expressing gratitude for all Good.
A new life begins with trusting in the best in You.
A new life begins with you truly loving and trusting you.
A new life begins with you giving yourself the freedom to be.

Listen to your heart and write what you hear.
Begin to treat yourself like the precious child you are.
Learn to honor yourself first.
Giving yourself the best is the key to giving your best to others and others giving their best to you.

Love begins inside ourselves.
Loving you with the best I know,
Betty Lue

From Louise Hay ©1988
How To Love Yourself
Criticism never changes a thing. Refuse to criticize yourself. Accept yourself exactly as you are. Everybody changes. When you criticize yourself, your changes are negative. When you approve of yourself, your changes are positive.
Stop terrorizing yourself with your thoughts. It’s a dreadful way to live. Find a mental image that gives you pleasure (mine is yellow roses), and immediately switch your scary thought to a pleasure thought.
Be gentle with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Be patient with yourself as you learn the new ways of thinking. Treat yourself as you would someone you really loved.
 Criticism breaks down the inner spirit. Praise builds it up. Praise yourself as much as you can. Tell yourself how well you are doing with every little thing.
 Self hatred is only hating your own thoughts. Don’t hate yourself for having the thoughts. Gently change your thoughts.
 Find ways to support yourself. Reach out to friends and allow them to help you. It is being strong to ask for help when you need it.
 Acknowledge that you created them to fulfill a need. Now you are finding new, positive ways to fulfill those needs. So, lovingly release the old negative patterns.
 Learn about nutrition. What kind of fuel does your body need to have optimum energy and vitality? Learn about exercise. What kind of exercise can you enjoy? Cherish and revere the temple you live in.
 Look into your eyes often. Express this growing sense of love you have for yourself. Forgive yourself looking into the mirror. Talk to your parents looking into the mirror. Forgive them too. At least once a day say: “I love you, I really love you!”
 Don’t wait until you get well, or lose the weight, or get the new job, or the new relationship. Begin now, and do the best you can.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Love is Letting Go

When you hang onto this roller coaster life to slow it down or try to make it stop, you will get hurt.
We cannot stop the changes, healings, transformation and shifts that occur.
We must trust that everything is in our own best interest.
When we resist, we hurt, suffer, grieve, rage and make up stories about “Why?”

When we let go with ease, gratitude and grace, we can feel the release without knowing pain or suffering.
When we stop asking “Why?” and start asking “How am I to move on?”. we begin to see into the mystery.
We will recognize that everything in this world changes, all the time.
Relationships change. Jobs change. Personalities change. Bodies change. Values change. Life changes.

Relationships are the most obvious healing agent or catalyst for growth.
Where we are crude and rude, we will be refined.
Where we are tender and hypersensitive, we will be toughened up.
Where we are needy and dependent, we will grow confident and independent.

Yes, some of this growth is resisted and we go from one relationship to another without learning.
Some relationships provide a step in growth, but not the full realization.
Some relationships offer us someone else who has similar healing needs so we gain another perspective.
Some relationships show up as subtle and easy growth and some as blatant and harsh.

When we realize we are here to learn to grow into our best selves, we will stop expecting others to support us.
When we know that everyone must learn the answers are within, we will stop asking for others’ answers.
When we enjoy the gift of our own love, support, respect and trust, we will be committed to ourselves.
When we honestly take responsibility for our choices and how long we stay, we see we are the chooser.

Life is more obvious that we realize.
When we are stuck in victimhood and believing in external control, we don’t see our own healing need.
When we fear responsibility in all matters and blame everyone else, we will not know our potential.
When we lack the willingness to face our own self limitation and faulty thinking, we will suffer fear.

Once we see we don’t have what we want, we change opur choices.
Once we stop depending on others to be faithful to us, we start to be faithful to ourselves.
Once we know we have exactly what we believed we wanted, we change our beliefs.
Once we appreciate and enjoy our own lives with all their changes, we are free and trust it all.

Now is the time to choose again.
Immediately forgive any place you have caused yourself pain with your unloving thoughts.
Give yourself totally to loving, respecting and trusting you, knowing your choices are to grow you.
Honor you heartfelt wishes and commit to live them, supporting yourself without quitting or betrayal.
Gently see what you have and step away from all circumstances that are toxic, limiting or unworthy of you.
Forgive yourself and others for not knowing any better than what you have thought, spoken or done.
Live your dreams by patiently persistently moving toward your goals without denying or limiting yourself.
Leave behind self-denigrating or sabotaging ways that have led to quitting on yourself.
You always and only are here to always and only be happy living the life that is your greatness.
Your destiny is giving your gifts, talents and resources to a world that eagerly appreciates and values you.

Let go and Love You,  
Betty Lue
The 5 Languages of Fear
The 5 Calls for Love
An intuitive look at some possible explanations for unacceptable behavior.
According to A Course in Miracles, everything is either a gift of love or a call for love. The 5 Languages of Love (Dr. Gary Chapman) teach us more about how to effectively give and receive the gifts of love, but what about responding to the calls for love? The answer is always to “give love”, but that is only possible after we have stopped reacting to the call as a personal attack. The first step is awareness.
Awareness with love is healing.
When people are in fear or pain (and needing love), they are not always sensitive, aware, articulate, considerate or even caring. They will either see you as the cause of their current dilemma or just a handy (loving) person they can strike out at so they won’t be alone in their misery. They will either deprive you of what they know you value most or what they, themselves, value most.
Here are 5 possible disguises of the call for love.
1.    The Put-Down—This includes complaining, anger, blame, guilt, insults, destructive words. If Words of Affirmation are a primary love language for you, hearing someone else’s pain directed at you can be especially hurtful.

2.    The Cold Shoulder—This includes being pre-occupied, too busy, multi-tasking, distracted, walking away, ignoring, threatening to leave or end the relationship, shutting you out. If Quality Time is a primary love language for you, being left alone or abandoned can be devastating.

3.    The Take-Away—This includes taking or breaking things, stealing, constantly saying “We can’t afford it”, not giving or sharing, being selfish. If Receiving Gifts is a primary love language for you, being deprived will be hurtful way out of proportion to the value of the actual gift itself.

4.    The Complication—This includes forgetting to do things, being too busy to help out, refusing to help out, being destructive, making messes, causing problems, adding complications and making more work. If Acts of Service are a primary love language for you, the burden of having to do more or do it all yourself leaves you feeling hurt and resentful.

5.    The Hurt—This includes hitting, hurting, outside affairs and cheating, withholding/denying touch and affection, and all acts of physical violence. If Physical Touch is a primary love language for you, either destructive touching or touch deprivation can cause you to emotionally wither and want to withdraw from the world.

Keys to responding with love:
1.    Don’t take it personally. It’s not about you. It’s about them. If you take it personally, they may think it actually is about you and fail to (eventually) take responsibility for their condition. 

2.    Take care of yourself. You may need to actually remove yourself from the situation in order to stop getting hurt and to get clear. If you let them hurt you, you create either conscious or unconscious guilt on their part, which will cause them to either attack more vigorously or withdraw completely.

3.    Listen within for guidance. Once you can bring yourself to peace and neutrality, listen to your heart about how to respond. This is clearly a call for love. What does the other person actually need or want? What will be the most helpful and the most easily received by them. Sometimes love and forgiveness is best expressed in person and sometimes it is more effective from a distance. Do you need to speak, write, think, pray, act?

4.    Do what you hear and trust it is good. Get on with your life and keep loving yourself so you can continue to love others.

Robert Waldon, Feb. 2012

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

How Do You Want To Be Loved?

Do you want support?
Do you want respect?
Do you want honesty?
Do you want commitment?

Do you want someone to support you no matter what their circumstance or need?
Do you want someone to respect you no matter how you treat or talk to them?
Do you want someone to be tell you everything or only what you want to hear?
Do you want someone to be committed to what you want or what is best for them?

Are you willing to give as much or more than you receive?
Are you open for the same degree of commitment you are asking?
Are you willing to have a partner who is as demanding as you are?
Are you willing to love them no matter how they talk, behave or spend their time?

Most people in relationship have never bothered to examine what they are contributing?
Most forget to look at how much support they are willing to give?
Most are not honest with themselves about the conditions they place on their relationships.
Most people do not face their own thoughts, words and deeds of disrespect and lack of honesty and commitment?

Are you willing to offer encouragement, appreciation and gratitude in difficult situations?
Are you open to be the one to provide financial support, emotional support and physical support?
Are you willing to stand by partner, friend and family through physical, mental and financial illness?

Are you willing to never speak with disrespect to your partner?
Are you open to keep your relationship interaction, opinions and feelings just between the two of you?
Do you promise to never speak a negative word again your partner, friend and family?

Are you honest with your thoughts, feelings and behaviors regarding your relationship?
Do you commit yourself to delete (forgive) all disloyal thoughts as soon as you feel them?
Are you willing to look inside and declare that you have not thought about hurting the relationship?

Are you committed to stay in the relationship as long as it is best for both of you?
Are you committed to be there for the other in sickness, in bankruptcy, in infidelity, in tragedy?
Are you committed to do what is best for your partner, either staying or letting go in their best interest?

Enough Love
Do you love enough to be there on stormy days as well as sunny?
Do you love enough to let go if the other is happier moving on?
Do you love enough to step away from toxic or destructive relationships?
Do you love enough to trust that the other is always doing their best (even if not what you want)?
Sometimes truth hurts and then it sets us free.
Sometimes love hides the wakeup calls and prevents healing and growth.
Sometimes we fear what we already know to be true.
Sometimes we must forgive it all and choose anew.

Loving us al as we learn to love,
Betty Lue
Recommendations for Successful Relationships 
With mates, partners, friends, children, co-workers, etc.

Keep your agreements faithfully.
(Communicate changes honestly and immediately.)

Give more than you expect to receive. 
Do more than your “fair” share.

Receive everything with open appreciation.
Express your thanks sincerely and take nothing for granted.

Live your own life in integrity and on purpose.
Clarify, communicate and live your mission, your path, your principles and values.  

Be responsible for yourself, your work and live your life impeccably. 
Don’t expect others to pick up after you or take care of you.

Stop using, blame, criticism or guilt to control or manipulate.
Stop making demands, threats or using neediness to get your way.

Communicate effectively and respectfully.
Request a time and place and tone of voice that works for both parties.

Be your best self in all circumstances.
Focus always on teaching by example. (and apologize immediately when you forget or neglect.)

Use your time together wisely.
Focus on meaningful, positive and inspiring conversation and activities.

Spend time, money, energy and resources only on what you value and want to increase.
Waste nothing in your relationship.  No arguing, pettiness, emotional dumping or negativity.

There are many more agreements which I encourage you and your partner to write together.
I encourage all parties to take time to re-evaluate your agreements monthly or on a regular basis.

As circumstances change, there is a need to re-commit to what works for all participants.
Families need to meet to look at the specific needs of each individual to be at their best.
Couples need to ensure that the relationship is “serving all parties.
Business partners need to return to their original agreement and consider changing roles as needed.

Life requires that we be in relationship.
With respect for ourselves and each other there is open communication.
With responsibility for the quality of our relationships, there is a willingness to seek what works for all.
With cooperation there is encouragement to listen for ways to serve the needs of everyone.
When everyone WINS, the relationships are harmonious, peaceful and enjoyable.

Blessings to us all in our willingness to continue to explore and find better ways of relating,  
Betty Lue

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Infidelity and Attachment

Dear Friends,
Yesterday we were in transit to Kailua-Kona, HI, where I am editing a couple of books that have been waiting for my attention before being published.  This is a great setting for holistic renewal, visioning and completing projects. We are here to relax, renew and refocus on reviewing our priorities, as well as completing four books that have waiting  a couple of years, before going to print.

Thanks for your patience during my absence. I plan on sending you my Loving Reminders and responding to emails and phone calls as needed.  I am always loving you and holding you in the highest regard.  Betty Lue

Written for those who are confused and searching for answers, regarding the difficulties in their relationships which may not seem loyal, honest, deceptive or not keeping their agreements.

Infidelity and Attachment

Who are you attached to?
When are you not faithful?
Could it be that the two go together in some unique way?
Is it possible that those who are attached are or needy will experience rejection, abandonment and infidelity?

This is a difficult topic to approach with those who are attached, addicted or needy for someone.
Infidelity of friends, lovers and family members often creates endless pain, suffering and despair.
When we feel that someone else was chosen, desired, needed more than us, we often lose it.
When we believe we have been betrayed , deceived or just left for another, we feel dismissed and hurt.

Many want their relationships to go back to what was comfortable.
Some want the other person to just do what they want them to do.
Some try to use guilt or threats or begging to get the other to comply.
Some get sick, have a problem or play needy and desperate to get their needs met.

While they may work temporarily, none of these methods will effectively work long term.
So it is essential that the one who is most conscious recognize, all  upsets are wakeup calls.
All upsetting relationships as related to earlier experiences of similar circumstances.
All relationship difficulties are actually calls for healing ourselves and a return to love.

Women often try to control their unfaithful partner, seeking a verbal agreement to “never do it again.”
Often there is an obsessive desire to know all the details and to find our why it happened.
It seems that if we gather enough information, we can stop the possibility of it happening again.
Sometimes the resentment comes through with incessant nagging, questioning, badgering and anger.
This behavior does not work.

The “wounded” party must find a better way to release their hurt, jealousy and anger.
Talking to family or girl friends may get sympathy, but rarely helps the relationship heal.
Finding a way to heal the fear, judgment and pain, requires forgiveness of unhealthy habits.
Making the other party feel guilt or suffer for their choices does not yield a respectful relationship.

So what does work?
First recognize your own attachment, needs and demands.
Notice that you and the other may have different ideal agreements in mind.
Or realize that you never set clear agreements for your relationship.
Write down your agreements and ask the other to write down theirs.
Recognize the person whose loyalty you seek has chosen loyalty to themselves and their own happiness.
Ask yourself, “Is there something you are to learn about making different choices?”
Are you being loyal or faithful to yourself and your ideals?”
Have you learned to give up what you want for others?
Have you learned to make others comply with your demands and take care of your needs?
Instead of assuming that others have the same understanding as you do about relationships, friendships or marriage, consider getting clarity from them without imposing your ideals on others.
When we believe that the agreements should be what we want, we often miss when there are distinct differences.
Women often believe, “If I love him, enough, he will be what I want him to be.”

Dysfunctional or addictive relationships of experience repeated conflicts, pain, rejection and abandonment. 
When there is intermittent reward or good times, we may believe that what hurts will never happen again.
When we are rational and see what is, we recognize there is a difference in the two individuals’ choices.
With full communication of a trusting and respectful relationship, we hear what is true for each person.
With full communication from both parties a new agreement can be made to respect the choices of both.

These issues are complicated by the intense pain and grief that comes with unfaithful relationships.
When we learn to be faithful to ourselves and our own values, we let go of toxic feelings, toxic relationships and toxic pain caused by our hurtful thioughts.

More later as I continue to Love with full trust, respect and freedom for everyone,
Betty Lue

Healing Relationships 

You are responsible for your own happiness and inner peace.
Where we are upset (angry, hurt, afraid, judgmental), our past wounds (unhealed stuff) has been triggered.   This shows us where we have work to do.
The usual relationship habit is to try to “fix” the other person, to get them to change or stop saying or doing what has upset us. This makes the other feel “wrong” and guilty and hurt and angry and inadequate. This only exaggerates the problem.  
It is ineffective over the long term.
The real work is to heal our own woundedness, to clear our own buttons and heal our history and forgive allowing anything or anyone to hurt us.  When we have done our work, we can be truly effective, helpful and teach by example.
This is a big job.  
It cannot be done overnight, but takes constant practice.
We must first take good care of ourselves mentally, physically, and spiritually.  
Being conscious and taking impeccable care of ourselves is essential to quality relationships.
Begin now with learning to love, respect, trust and appreciate yourself.
The more you love, trust, respect and appreciate yourself, 
the more others will love, trust, respect and appreciate you.
The more you love, respect, trust and appreciate yourself, 
the more others will do the same for themselves and  for others.
You are the living example, the teacher, with everything you think, say and do.
Betty Lue 1986