Dear Friends,
Yesterday we were in transit to Kailua-Kona, HI, where I am editing a couple of books that have been waiting for my attention before being published. This is a great setting for holistic renewal, visioning and completing projects. We are here to relax, renew and refocus on reviewing our priorities, as well as completing four books that have waiting a couple of years, before going to print.
Thanks for your patience during my absence. I plan on sending you my Loving Reminders and responding to emails and phone calls as needed. I am always loving you and holding you in the highest regard. Betty Lue
Written for those who are confused and searching for answers, regarding the difficulties in their relationships which may not seem loyal, honest, deceptive or not keeping their agreements.
Infidelity and Attachment
Who are you attached to?
When are you not faithful?
Could it be that the two go together in some unique way?
Is it possible that those who are attached are or needy will experience rejection, abandonment and infidelity?
This is a difficult topic to approach with those who are attached, addicted or needy for someone.
Infidelity of friends, lovers and family members often creates endless pain, suffering and despair.
When we feel that someone else was chosen, desired, needed more than us, we often lose it.
When we believe we have been betrayed , deceived or just left for another, we feel dismissed and hurt.
Many want their relationships to go back to what was comfortable.
Some want the other person to just do what they want them to do.
Some try to use guilt or threats or begging to get the other to comply.
Some get sick, have a problem or play needy and desperate to get their needs met.
While they may work temporarily, none of these methods will effectively work long term.
So it is essential that the one who is most conscious recognize, all upsets are wakeup calls.
All upsetting relationships as related to earlier experiences of similar circumstances.
All relationship difficulties are actually calls for healing ourselves and a return to love.
Women often try to control their unfaithful partner, seeking a verbal agreement to “never do it again.”
Often there is an obsessive desire to know all the details and to find our why it happened.
It seems that if we gather enough information, we can stop the possibility of it happening again.
Sometimes the resentment comes through with incessant nagging, questioning, badgering and anger.
This behavior does not work.
The “wounded” party must find a better way to release their hurt, jealousy and anger.
Talking to family or girl friends may get sympathy, but rarely helps the relationship heal.
Finding a way to heal the fear, judgment and pain, requires forgiveness of unhealthy habits.
Making the other party feel guilt or suffer for their choices does not yield a respectful relationship.
So what does work?
First recognize your own attachment, needs and demands.
Notice that you and the other may have different ideal agreements in mind.
Or realize that you never set clear agreements for your relationship.
Write down your agreements and ask the other to write down theirs.
Recognize the person whose loyalty you seek has chosen loyalty to themselves and their own happiness.
Ask yourself, “Is there something you are to learn about making different choices?”
Are you being loyal or faithful to yourself and your ideals?”
Have you learned to give up what you want for others?
Have you learned to make others comply with your demands and take care of your needs?
Instead of assuming that others have the same understanding as you do about relationships, friendships or marriage, consider getting clarity from them without imposing your ideals on others.
When we believe that the agreements should be what we want, we often miss when there are distinct differences.
Women often believe, “If I love him, enough, he will be what I want him to be.”
Dysfunctional or addictive relationships of experience repeated conflicts, pain, rejection and abandonment.
When there is intermittent reward or good times, we may believe that what hurts will never happen again.
When we are rational and see what is, we recognize there is a difference in the two individuals’ choices.
With full communication of a trusting and respectful relationship, we hear what is true for each person.
With full communication from both parties a new agreement can be made to respect the choices of both.
These issues are complicated by the intense pain and grief that comes with unfaithful relationships.
When we learn to be faithful to ourselves and our own values, we let go of toxic feelings, toxic relationships and toxic pain caused by our hurtful thioughts.
More later as I continue to Love with full trust, respect and freedom for everyone,
Betty Lue
Healing Relationships
You are responsible for your own happiness and inner peace.
Where we are upset (angry, hurt, afraid, judgmental), our past wounds (unhealed stuff) has been triggered. This shows us where we have work to do.
The usual relationship habit is to try to “fix” the other person, to get them to change or stop saying or doing what has upset us. This makes the other feel “wrong” and guilty and hurt and angry and inadequate. This only exaggerates the problem.
It is ineffective over the long term.
The real work is to heal our own woundedness, to clear our own buttons and heal our history and forgive allowing anything or anyone to hurt us. When we have done our work, we can be truly effective, helpful and teach by example.
This is a big job.
It cannot be done overnight, but takes constant practice.
We must first take good care of ourselves mentally, physically, and spiritually.
Being conscious and taking impeccable care of ourselves is essential to quality relationships.
Begin now with learning to love, respect, trust and appreciate yourself.
The more you love, trust, respect and appreciate yourself,
the more others will love, trust, respect and appreciate you.
The more you love, respect, trust and appreciate yourself,
the more others will do the same for themselves and for others.
You are the living example, the teacher, with everything you think, say and do.
Betty Lue 1986