When someone is not doing what you want them to do, what do you make up?
When someone is not listening to what you are saying, what do you believe?
When someone is not responding to your requests or demands, what do you tell yourself?
When someone is not living up to your expectations, how do you respond or react?
(It seems silly to have to state the obvious, but the obvious is often overlooked.)
They may be tired or exhausted.
They may not want to be told what to do.
They may not have the energy to respond.
They may be sick, drunk or incapable.
They may be focuses on something else .
They may have more important matters on their mind.
They may need to eat or sleep or get some exercise.
They may need to sleep until they are rested.
They may not want to do what you want them to do.
They may be watching TV or playing a video game.
They may have learned to tune you out, because you nag.
They may have simply ignored you because you ignore them.
They may not respect you, because you are disrespectful in your tone or languaging.
They may not believe you because you give inconsistent messages.
They may have quit on your relationship, because they feel you have quit on them.
They many not know how to be good enough or live up to your standards.
They may feel they are incapable of being and doing what you want.
They may not be able to understand and apply what you are asking for.
Why don’t they communicate with you?
They may be afraid of you.
They may not want to disappoint you.
They may have learned to step away from fighting.
They may simply choose to leave well enough alone.
They may simply not hear you.
They may prefer to let you demand and rage.
They may be totally conscious or on the same page as you are.
They may simply not know how to say “no” and so say nothing.
They may not be capable of clearly stating their position.
They may be unwilling to start a fight with you.
Etc. Etc. Etc.
Your job is to know you do not know.
Your job is to be respectful, clear and consistent.
Your job is to not be confusing, conflicting or condemning.
Your job is to love and respect others no matter what.
Treat others as they prefer to be treated.
Make no assumptions that they are like you.
Loving you,
Betty Lue
Another piece I wrote in response to a request.
You are responsible for your own happiness and inner peace.
Where we are upset (angry, hurt, afraid, judgmental.), our past wounds (unhealed stuff) has been triggered.
This shows us where we have work to do.
The usual relationship habit is to try to “fix” the other person, to get them to change or stop saying or doing what has upset us.
This makes the other feel “wrong” and guilty and hurt and angry and inadequate. This only exaggerates the problem.
It is ineffective over the long term.
The real work is to heal our own woundedness, to clear our own buttons and heal our history and forgive allowing anything or anyone to hurt us.
When this is done, we can be effective, helpful and kind in our relationships.
This is a big job. Cannot be done overnight and must be done after we have taken good care of ourselves mentally, physically, and spiritually.
Taking impeccable care of ourselves is essential to good relationships.