All that I am speaking of in ordinary male-female relationships in our rather immature culture come from an egoic perspective. They are generalizations and may not apply to you or your relationships.
In the vast majority of relationships, these are the behaviors, expectations and dependencies that emerge.
Men try to avoid conflict, to keep their woman happy, and stay out of trouble.
Women want to depend on men to help them, be their best friend, to do things for them.
Both men and women want to be happy.
Both men and women want to love and be loved.
Both men and women have issues, history and stuff to heal.
Both men and women will reveal their past hurts, fears, guilt in their relationships.
It is important for men and women to stop taking the other’s words and behavior personally.
When anyone is dumped on(criticized) by another, it is a reflection of their inner pain, past wounds and guilt.
When anyone needs to puke and poop, do it in private, not on another….especially not a loved one.
When anyone feels toxic, they need to remove themselves from others and return when clear.
Because of past learning, programming and expectations, women believe men should protect and provide.
Because of past learning, programming and expectations, women believe men should make them happy.
Thus men feel guilty when their woman is not happy believing they are not enough.
When men feel guilty, they may withdraw, leave, zone out, distract themselves, go unconscious to avoid the guilt.
Men may project their guilt onto the woman with blame, anger, threats, abusiveness to make the woman go away or stop attacking and making them wrong.
Men want to stop feeling guilty in any way they can.
Addiction, TV, internet, suicide, affairs, leaving work, getting sick allow focus on something other than their guilt producing relationship.
What women can do:
Handle your emotional neediness in private.or with a therapist.
Dump your toxic material in a journal or use continuous forgiveness of your judgments.
Stop making men wrong and begin to appreciate and build on their willingness to please.
Recognize that your emotions overwhelm men and find a woman, journal or therapist to share with.
Stop blaming and criticizing your man in public or private.
Teach men carefully and clearly what you want, with kindness, respect, and appreciation.
Take time everyday to give love, respect and appreciation for your mate.
Understand most men are boys, seeking unconditional love and peace.
Start by understanding his needs and perspective.
You cannot really be with someone in a loving way until you know how he thinks, wants and feels.
Do not probe, interrogate or expect a man to converse, explain himself or reveal his feelings.
Learn about how he is, before you try to get him to be what you want.
Stop overwhelming men with emotions, words and demands that are not clearly defined or doable.
Take time for yourself to take impeccable care of you.
Change your priorities so you stop doing for others and then expecting them to do for you.
Give from a place of fullness without sacrifice or martydom.
Choose to give without the need to get anything in return.
Be willing to build the relationship you want by teaching, leading, coaching, encouraging and appreciating.
Understand that men really do not know how best to love you and support you and be there for you.
Remember men are teachable with kindness, respect and appreciation.
I believe woman can change all relationships with partners, children, parents and co-workers with their willingness!
Loving you and believeing in you,
Betty Lue
Ten Commandments of Relationships
With mates, partners, friends, children, co-workers, etc.
Keep your agreements faithfully.
(Communicate changes honestly and immediately.)
Give more than you expect to receive.
Do more than your “fair” share.
Receive everything with open appreciation.
Express your thanks sincerely and take nothing for granted.
Live your own life in integrity and on purpose.
Clarify, communicate and live your mission, your path, your principles and values.
Be responsible for yourself, your work and live your life impeccably.
Don’t expect others to pick up after you or take care of you.
Stop using, blame, criticism or guilt to control or manipulate.
Stop making demands, threats or using neediness to get your way.
Communicate effectively and respectfully.
Request a time and place and tone of voice that works for both parties.
Be your best self in all circumstances.
Focus always on teaching by example. (and apologize immediately when you forget or neglect.)
Use your time together wisely.
Focus on meaningful, positive and inspiring conversation and activities.
Spend time, money, energy and resources only on what you value and want to increase.
Waste nothing in your relationship. No arguing, pettiness, emotional dumping or negativity.
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There are many more agreements which I encourage you and your partner to write together.
I encourage all parties to take time to re-evaluate your agreements monthly or on a regular basis.
As circumstances change, there is a need to re-commit to what works for all participants.
Families need to meet to look at the specific needs of each individual to be at their best.
Couples need to ensure that the relationship is “serving all parties.
Business partners need to return to their original agreement and consider changing roles as needed.
Life requires that we be in relationship.
With respect for ourselves and each other there is open communication.
With responsibility for the quality of our relationships, there is a willingness to seek what works for all.
With cooperation there is encouragement to listen for ways to serve the needs of everyone.
When everyone WINS, the relationships are harmonious, peaceful and enjoyable.
Blessings to us all in our willingness to continue to explore and find better ways of relating,
Betty Lue