See below something a wrote several years ago “What Men and Women Really Want”
Tomorrow I will write what women can do to create more successful relationships.
Both men and women want to be happy.
Both men and women want to love and be loved.
Both men and women have issues, history and stuff to heal.
Both men and women will reveal their past hurts, fears, guilt in their relationships.
It is important for men and women to stop taking the other’s words and behavior personally.
When we are dumped on by anyone, it is a reflection of their inner pain, past wound and guilt.
When we need to puke and poop, do it in private, not on another….especially not a loved one.
When either a man or woman feels toxic, they need to remove themselves from others.
Because of past learning, programming and expectations, men believe they need to make their woman happy.
Because of past learning, programming and learned expectations, women believe men should make them happy.
Thus men feel guilty when their woman is not happy.
When men feel guilty, they withdraw, leave, zone out, distract themselves, go to sleep or addiction to avoid the guilt.
Or men project their guilt onto the woman, with blame, anger, threats, abusiveness to try to make the woman go away….
Men want to stop feeling guilty in any way they can.
Addiction, TV, internet, suicide, affairs, simply leaving, work, alone time with focus on something other than the relationship
What men can do to create a successful relationship.
Forgive themselves and the other’s unhappiness.
Forgive their own guilt.
Forgive their own fear and avoidance.
Forgive themselves for believing they are responsible for the woman’s happiness.
Forgive themselves for taking a woman’s unhappiness or moodiness personally.
To forgive is to erase with love.
To forgive is to see no harm was done.
To forgive is to respond with kindness and peace.
To forgive is to undo all guilt, all fear and all blame.
Choose a time daily or weekly to have quiet meaningful connection with their woman.
Schedule a time with no interruption, a time that has a distinct beginning and end, a time, a time that is most likely to be gentle, loving and peaceful…..no alcohol or other substances which interfere with clarity and consciousness.
Give the woman love in the way she values it. (See 5lovelanguages.com for a quiz)
When a woman has feelings she needs to express, listen if you can without guilt.
Or if you cannot stop feeling blamed, ask her to put her feelings, her requests, her needs in writing.
Be honest with yourself and then with her about your ability to honor and respond to her needs with love.
Men can ask what women really wants, best done when they are not emotionally upset.
Men can choose a time each day or each week that is specifically designated for sharing feelings.
When a woman is asked what she needs and wants, she may not know until she has an opportunity to vent.
She may need a man listening to help her clarify and be specific.
Sometimes this is best done in writing, where there is no reactive behavior.
Men can offer women, down time by taking care of kids, house, meals, bill paying, etc as a gift of love.
Men can offer women the form of attention that they want…. But only when she is open to receive it.
Men can pay attention to how best to give attention and demonstrate their appreciation.
Men can show kindness and respect, by forgiving their fear, judgment, criticism and defensiveness.
More later…..
Loving us all as we learn the lessons of trusting Love and unconditional love.
Betty Lue
These reminders are written as a followup to the series of relationship workshops, we just completed.
More this spring for those who are interested.
This is our primary work here, to learn to love without fear, expectation, judgments and defensiveness.
What Men and Women Really Want
This describes our egoic (learned personality) behaviors and motivations, not our higher or spiritual nature.
Generalizations about what gender really wants are just that –generalizations!
However there are consistent behaviors among genders that are often misunderstood.
Sometimes men and women simply project their intentions and emotions onto the opposite sex.
Or frequently there are gender stereotypes which cause misperceptions in relationships.
Ie. When a woman won’t talk, it is because she is resentful or punishing the other person.
When men won’t talk and withdraw, it is usually because they don’t know what to say without exposing their emotional vulnerability and prefer to work it out without hurting the other or themselves.
In general….men simply want to make their woman happy.
Men are simple.
Men try hard to please the other after doing their “job” the best they can as protector and provider.
Men are confused by emotions and emotional behavior.
Men have difficulty reading what changing emotional states and behaviors are really saying.
Men do their best to make it right, but have limited tools or understanding.
Men objectify women.
Men often are simply seeing their woman as the object of their love.
Men are dependent on a woman.
(Men tend to remarry within one year of losing their partner, On average for women it is five years.)
Men use their relationship as their north star, the compass by which they guide their course in life.
Men need their woman to be clear about what really matters and stay true to her word.
When the woman changes her mind, it is frustrating, confusing and can cause depression and distress.
Men have learned to stay away when a woman (mother) is upset until they “know” what to do.
Men try hard to keep the relationship on an even keel.
Men tend to exert all their energy in doing what they know they can do….earn money and keep safe.
They often use TV, internet and video games to go into the zone to undo stress and to stay out of trouble.
In general, criticism shuts down their energy and makes them weak, uncertain and confused.
Men would rather avoid fights by staying away (under the radar). ( Working or playing or unavailable.)
Men rely on their woman’s happiness and approval to know that they are OK, wanted and belong.
In general…women simply want their way.
Women are complex.
Women please themselves by doing their job of nurturing and nourishing the whole family.
Women stir emotions and emotional reactions and see them as indicating love and loyalty.
Women project their motives onto men, not recognizing the differences.
Women do their best to manipulate, control and convince to get their believed “right” way.
Women utilize men.
Women use men to protect, provide and produce children.
Women are independent and capable of caring for themselves, but it is less work with willing help.
Women oversee the big picture and plan for the future of themselves and their families.
Women multitask and seem to consider all elements.
Women are best at scheduling and making future plans.
Women can be effective assistants to men and know how to control the outcome.
Women use their relationship as the means to get what they want: home, family, travel, companion, etc.
Women resent criticism and will find ways to get even, defend and attack.
Women expect men to be like women and disrespect men’s inabilities to perform.
Women use emotions as power, fighting to confuse the man, to win and get their way.
Women use the man’s compliance (obedience) as the indication of his love and loyalty.
These generalizations are based on 30 years of observation and listening to the genders express their unconscious and conscious motivations.
Betty Lue