Saturday, July 12, 2014

Healthy and Unhealthy Communication

I give and receive all good and only good.
I no longer take anything personally.
I teach and learn to trust and free myself and others.
I are respectful, responsible and cooperative in my relationships.

Everyone communicates differently.
Past communication experiences influence what we expect and how we respond or react.’
Our childhood, community, language and culture all influence how we communicate.
What we consider normal and healthy is different for everyone, since there is no norm.

When we grow up in a family that argues, we may expect and even create arguing.
When we grow up in a family that is silent, we may anticipate and encourage quiet.
When two parties are comfortable with their own way, they may object to another way.
It is valuable to create ways to communicate that are effective with both people.

Some people think before they speak or contemplate before they respond to a question or request.
Some people talk in order to listen to themselves and do not know until they hear themselves.
Some work out their issues and just want to share their process outloud.
Some need to express their inner conflict and confusion aloud to better ask for clarification and help.

Men usually think  and act in a linear and step by step manner.
Men usually only ask for help, when they feel they truly cannot do it themselves.
Women usually think in a circular way and often express intermixing feelings.
Women usually only want someone to listen, while they sort our their needs and wants.

Children and parents often get confused and caught up in the emotional communication.
Children try to get attention and someone to listen using whatever means works.
Tantrums, begging, logic, problems, yelling, getting in trouble are all ways of getting attention.
Adults also become adept at getting their needs met by using whatever works similarly.

In your own communication patterns, what is most effective?
What causes confusion or conflict?
What creates peace, happiness and fulfillment?
What is the best way to communicate with you?

Some like face to face contact.
Some prefer everything important over the phone or skype.
Some like all emotional issues in writing to avoid the upsets.
Some prefer morning time or after a meal and never before bedtime!

When couples or friends get into unhealthy habits, they may not recognize the need for change.
Usually there is an escalation of upsets or frustration that signal a time for change in communication.
Patterns that have previously worked may no longer work or be helpful to one or both parties.
It may require an exploration of how best to change the habitual patterns.

I often recommend that couples sit, ride or walk side by side to talk.
Facing the same direction with light physical contact, helps with intimacy and helpful sharing.
Direct face to face caommunication may lead to feeling confronted or attacked.
Side by side can feel more like being on the same team and working on the problem together.

Men usually do not deal well with women’s feelings and emotional reactions..  
Men are easily overwhelmed with women’s feelings.  
Men want to know what they can do to help, specifically.
When women need to share feelings, it usually works better with another woman or in a journal.

When a woman wants her man to listen to her, it works to ask specifically.
Ie.” I just need you to hold me while I cry.”
Or” Just listen to me talk, even if you don’t understand”.
“I need your time and attention for 30 minutes.
Is now a good time for you?”

I often teach women to stop creating upsets and problems  by expecting men to be like girl friends.
Men respond or react (often with anger) very different emotionally with problems and needs, due to familial or cultural imprinting.
See what I have written about “What men and women really want” below.

My suggestion for women (and men) is that you develop the habit of writing your feelings down.
A good way to begin---
The real reason I feel upset is:
(the work is to offload or write down every thought and feeling that comes to mind)
 Keep asking your mind ‘What is the real reason?
You need to let go of every thought and feeling.  This will be pages of thoughts.  
Understand that in writing them down it clears them from your archived material in your mind.
What is written down is dumping like puking and pooping and flushing the toilet.

What happens to us must go through us.
Receive what is nurturing and beneficial.
Dump the rest.
Learn to stop taking on what is unhealthy (toxic) for you or others.

Never dump toxic material on your loved ones.
Dump and flush in the privacy of your own bathroom.
Let go of all criticism, blame, anger, shame, guilt, hurt, resentment, etc.
Remember and take in what is good, helpful, healing, beneficial, wise, loving and kind.

Healthy communication is obvious, because both parties are happy and healthy.
Take the time to clear everything in your communication that is negative and hurtful.
Be conscious of what works and doesn’t work for you and the other persons.
Love yourself enough to give yourself the very best.

Loving us all as we learn to share with others our very best.
Betty Lue

What Men and Women Really Want
This describes our egoic (learned personality) behaviors and motivations, not our higher or spiritual nature.

Generalizations about what gender really wants are just that –generalizations!
However there are consistent behaviors among genders that are often misunderstood.
Sometimes men and women simply project their intentions and emotions onto the opposite sex.
Or frequently there are gender stereotypes which cause misperceptions in relationships.
Ie. When a woman won’t talk, it is because she is resentful or punishing the other person.
When men won’t talk and withdraw, it is usually because they don’t know what to say without exposing their emotional vulnerability and prefer to work it out without hurting the other or themselves.

In general….men simply want to make their woman happy.
Men are simple.
Men try hard to please the other after doing their “job” the best they can as protector and provider.
Men are confused by emotions and emotional behavior.
Men have difficulty reading what changing emotional states and behaviors are really saying.
Men do their best to make it right, but have limited tools or understanding.
Men objectify women.   
Men often are simply seeing their woman as the object of their love.
Men are dependent on a woman.  
(Men tend to remarry within one year of losing their partner, On average for women it is five years.)
Men use their relationship as their north star, the compass by which they guide their course in life.
Men need their woman to be clear about what really matters and stay true to her word.
When the woman changes her mind, it is frustrating, confusing and can cause depression and distress.
Men have learned to stay away when a woman (mother) is upset until they “know” what to do.
Men try hard to keep the relationship on an even keel.
Men tend to exert all their energy in doing what they know they can do….earn money and keep safe.
They often use TV, internet and video games to go into the zone to undo stress and to stay out of trouble.
In general, criticism shuts down their energy and makes them weak, uncertain and confused.
Men would rather avoid fights by staying away (under the radar). ( Working or playing or unavailable.)
Men rely on their woman’s happiness and approval to know that they are OK, wanted and belong.

In general…women simply want their way.
Women are complex.
Women please themselves by doing their job of nurturing and nourishing the whole family.
Women stir emotions and emotional reactions and see them as indicating love and loyalty.
Women project their motives onto men, not recognizing the differences.
Women do their best to manipulate, control and convince to get their believed “right” way.
Women utilize men.
Women use men to protect, provide and produce children.
Women are independent and capable of caring for themselves, but it is less work with willing help.
Women oversee the big picture and plan for the future of themselves and their families.
Women multitask and seem to consider all elements.
Women are best at scheduling and making future plans.
Women can be effective assistants to men and know how to control the outcome.
Women use their relationship as the means to get what they want: home, family, travel, companion, etc.
Women resent criticism and will find ways to get even, defend and attack.
Women expect men to be like women and disrespect men’s inabilities to perform.
Women use emotions as power, fighting to confuse the man, to win and get their way.
Women use the man’s compliance (obedience) as the indication of his love and loyalty.

These generalizations are based on 30 years of observation and listening to the genders express their unconscious and conscious motivations.  Betty Lue