Wednesday, February 20, 2013

“If It Doesn’t Work, What Do I Do?”

If at first you don’t succeed, try and try again!
If the first time doesn’t work, stop and try something else.
Don’t throw out the baby with the bath water.
When you make your bed, you have to lie in it.

We all have heard these phrases used to get a point across.
They each say something difference.
Sounds like we need to choose for ourselves which one applies.
Do I try again or quit while I’m ahead?

Do you usually try to hard?
Is it frustrating to never get the result you want?
Are you pushing or bullying to get your point across?
Sounds like you need to stop and try something else.

Do you usually give up on ever being heard?
Do you shut up or leave? 
So you protect yourself by quitting on love?
Sounds like you need to stay and find a better way.

The key to relationship is learning to listen and share respectfully.
Communication means coming together as one in unity.

·     Pick the best time and place to talk with respect.
·     Request the opportunity to share your piece.
·     Ask if the other is ready to hear you.
·     Consider setting ground rules (ie each person has 3-5 minutes)
·     Keep your agreements.
·     Speak in a tone that is calm, considerate and communicates respect.
·     If the sharing becomes emotional or scares either party, stop and take a break.
·     Make sure both are being heard by paraphrasing what you hear and ask if correct.
·     Always create a timeline for the sharing.  If it is prolonged, it will lead to no good.
·     Take time to pause and ask if still OK for both to continue.
·     Often I find when there is no resolution, it is because you are not sharing the REAL issue.

Honest sharing is not yelling, name-calling, blaming or shaming, demanding or threatening.
If this is the form of communicating, expect the other to do the same or withdraw and withhold.
To learn to control ones emotions is not enough. 
It is essential we find better ways to communicate.

Consider putting down your feelings and thoughts in writing.
When you read what you have written and feel considered, respected and appreciated, share with another.
When you have written anger and hate. blame and shame, name-calling threats and demands, do not share.

All upsets are past similars. (The same old thing simply rehashed.)
Most people want to blame someone or something other than heal themselves.
Most people want to stop what irritates, hurts or upsets them, rather than clearing their emotional reaction.
Most people simply want to be right, save face and get their own way.
It amazes me how often what we call communication is really a childish need to get agreement.

Ask yourself, in every communication with another:
Am I sensitive to their needs?
Have I considered what they want?
Does this issue need to be discussed?
Can I heal this on my own?
Is there a serious threat of life and limb, survival and security?
Do I need to push to get my way?
Do I want to risk the relationship I have?
Can I find a better way or better time to share?
How much do I really care about the other?
Am I willing to put Love and Trust and Peace first?
Can I find a better way for both of us to be happy?

I find most communication is unnecessary, but is an excuse to relate.
I find most people simply want to win and make the other listen to them.
I find the majority of requests for communication are not the real reason.
I find people often end a relationship or conversation because they cannot get their needs met.

Now it is your turn to ask yourself:
What do I really want?
What are the conditions and expectations I have on this relationship?
How long am I willing to stay?
What will make me mad enough to hurt the other?
Am I willing to handle my own emotional baggage?
Do I want peace more than I want anything else?
Am I truly willing to trust and free others to be themselves?
Am I willing to heal myself?

Loving us all for learning from every relationship,
Betty Lue