Wednesday, August 06, 2003

Fighting and Arguing

Arguments or fights usually begin with one person seeking to be right and to making the other wrong. The person bringing up the issue wants the other to take responsibility, to be wrong, to change their behavior or attitude or to feel hurt, too. The initiator usually brings up the issue at a “bad” time, is overwrought with emotion and intends to share their feelings no matter what the other wants. The feelings are often shared in an accusatory or insulting tone which invites the other person to feel guilty and responsible for the problem. The intention is to win and make sure the other guy loses. The ego is most interested in being right, not in being happy or coming to peace. Spirit is always looking for a peaceful resolution in which both are benefited.

When caught up in emotion, the fighter says and does things which are unkind, disrespectful, hurtful and unconscious.
“If I am going to hurt, I will hurt you, too.”Most fighters don’t realize that the hurt is a product of their hurtful thinking.
They make up painful stories or possibilities and then replay them in their own minds until they are wounded and resentful and justified in hurting the other.

Usually the argument has no rules and is a contest to see who can hurt the other the most. It is often clever, vicious, manipulative and seductive. When one person wants to fight to “clear the air”, they use the buttons they know to involve the other person. If ignored they often become mad and offensive about the other being emotionally unavailable. People who are good with words, often use them as a source of power. People who are clever and controlling often use arguments to put the other in their place or teach a lesson or try to get what they want.

Fights and arguments are “no-win” situations. Neither person is left with their self respect and dignity.
There is often a leftover mess which is ignored, buried and festers, sometimes for years.

People who like to fight have learned from their childhood, the power of words. They may actually see arguing as a form of loving and look for the opportunities to "make up. For some fights are tension relievers, similar to the tension release of sexual encounters. We attract to ourselves and create what we are accustomed to and what works for us. when we have grown beyond ineffective or negative behaviors, we forgive and choose again.

Fighting is a useless and energy-draining form of relating. Fights and arguments distract, detour and delay us from finding the source of pain within. Wherever we are blaming, angry or resentful of another, there is always a past source of pain or woundedness that we must access and heal within ourselves. There is a better way.

Let go and Love again, Make amends.
Betty Lue