Speaking up is what people do when they think they are not being heard.
Speaking louder is what people do when they think they are not being respected.
When the listener hears the louder, stronger voice, they often feel attacked.
When the listener receives the message as an attack or win/lose competition, they may counter-attack.
Arguments come from no one is really listening.
Hurt feelings come from taking things personally.
Separation, divorce and withdrawal come from feeling disrespected.
When we cannot create reconciliation, peace, harmony and respect, it is from lack of really listening.
There are keys to communication which are basic and simple.
All partnership and relationships require 5 basic ingredients.
When there areas are met by even one of the two parties, the relationship can be successful.
Joining, honesty, equality, commitment, responsibility may be needed to experience mutual respect.
First, the most conscious person (the one reading this reminder!) must find a common vision or goal.
In business it may be success for both.
In families it may be feeling loved and loving.
If you know what you really want, you will be able to see the commonality between you and the other.
To be joined in vision, purpose and goal is to discern what both parties really want.
Mutual respect is often a basic need in relationships.
What I know people need at this time is to feel safe.
Where there is attack, separation, fear, and defensiveness, both parties feel unsafe.
Imagine making the other person feel safe first by declaring your own truth.
“I feel…. I want…..I am willing to ……to experience what I want.’
Then inquire about their feelings and what they want.
Give them a chance to answer fully or later or not at all.
Creating safety for others is first feeling safe yourself.
Everyone picks up on fear and reacts often with their own fear.
Everyone can feel attack or defensiveness and often reacts with their own.
Before communicating with another, it is important to put yourself into neutral or peace.
Choose times and ways to communicate that are best for the others person.
Make an appointment or write and email or ask them when is the best time.
Keep your own communication or request brief, clear, concise, direct with no attack.
Give the other plenty of time to talk, defend, be quiet or do whatever they need.
To be heard and respected, we must first listen and really respect the other person.
Perhaps the key to feeling heard and respected is learning to listen to yourself.
Write in a journal.
Write out what you want to say many times in many ways, expressing all your feelings.
Simplicity will come when you sort the real stuff from the unnecessary explanations and justifications.
Give yourself time to really listen to your own needs without needing to get anything from the other.
Perhaps the biggest problem is trying to get something from another person.
Neediness creates emotional demands on others and feels draining or produces guilt.
Fill your own needs before trying to get something from another.
Recognize that to create joining, connection and equality, the transaction must be good for both.
Loving us all in our desire to listen and respect another we must first listen to and respect ourselves.
The more I love, trust and respect myself, the more I love, trust and respect others.
The more I love, trust and respect myself, the more others, love trust and respect me.
The more I love, trust and respect myself, the more others, love, trust and respect themselves.
The more I love, trust and respect myself, the more others, love, trust and respect others.
And so it is. It all begins with me.
Loving you in loving you,
Betty Lue
Do It Anyway
People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered.
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you.
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy it all overnight.
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough.
Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway.