Sunday, August 21, 2011

Make No Assumptions

You may think you know what others feel.
Observe and make no assumptions.

You may think others want what you want.
Listen and make no assumptions.


You may think they like what you like.
Ask and make no assumptions.

You may think their choices are the same as yesterday.
Ask and make no assumptions.


When we love someone, we often treat them like our parents treated us.
We talk to them the way without considering how they are hearing us.
We imagine we know what they want and how they feel.
We assume they now what we want and how we feel.

The work in healthy relationships is to be respectful.
Our work is to take nothing for granted and make no assumptions.
We must learn to stop unhealthy past patterns and heal our own issues.
We don’t know what is the preferred timing and way to engage unless we ask.

When we respect a stranger or a loved one, we take the time to observe their needs.
When we have a request, we can interrupt or speak without asking for a moment.
“When would be a good time to speak to you?”  and waiting to see if appropriate.
And take no offense, if we are not received with openness.

Criticism, defensiveness, stone-walling, contempt, and belligerence can destroy relationships.
When you criticize (or suggestions are received as critical), the other may be defensive.
When you feel bullied or threatened, the other may give you the silent treatment.
When you feel wounded, we may send messages of contempt or use Name-calling in return.

When we had parents who “loved” us and we were criticized, yelled at, called names, or rejected, we may do the same with our loved ones.  We may even interpret our parents behavior and ours as a way to love!
It is valuable in relationships to ask, what the other prefers in times of conflict, upset and difficult.

You can observe when another feels upset.
Stop and forgive yourself immediately.
Apologize and wait until there is a neutral time to ask for help.
“I am sorry for the offense.  I want to find a better way to relate with you.”
“When I have a suggestion, what is the best way to present it?”
Shall I keep it to myself, present it in writing, speak to you in a quiet way, give you my complements first?or talk to you about my preferences….ie I prefer that ……..”



All issues in relationships are past hurts that need to be healed in both parties.
Take the time to stop hurting one another and yourself.
Make no assumptions.
Forgive all mistakes.
Choose again for a better way.

You and I are new each day.
I want to respect you are you are today.
I prefer to make no assumptions and see you in each new moment.
I choose to treat you as the precious and good being you are.
Betty Lue

Something I shared with a couple that may be helpful to you:

You are responsible for your own happiness and inner peace.
Where we are upset (angry, hurt, afraid, judgmental), our past wounds (unhealed stuff) has been triggered.   This shows us where we have work to do.
The usual relationship habit is to try to “fix” the other person, to get them to change or stop saying or doing what has upset us. This makes the other feel “wrong” and guilty and hurt and angry and inadequate. This only exaggerates the problem.
It is ineffective over the long term.


The real work is to heal our own woundedness, to clear our own buttons and heal our history and forgive allowing anything or anyone to hurt us.  When we have done our work, we can be truly effective, helpful and teach by example.


This is a big job.
It cannot be done overnight, but takes constant practice.
We must first take good care of ourselves mentally, physically, and spiritually.
Being conscious and taking impeccable care of ourselves is essential to quality relationships.

Begin now with learning to love, respect, trust and appreciate yourself.
The more you love, trust, respect and appreciate yourself, the more others will love, trust, respect and appreciate you.
The more you love, respect, trust and appreciate yourself, the more others will do the same for themselves and  for others.



You are the living example, the teacher, with everything you think, say and do.
Betty Lue