Some people think fighting is necessary.
Some believe arguing is good for the relationship.
Some couples use fighting as a prelude to making up.
When debating, there is a winner and a loser.
No one changes their position.
In a boxing, there is usually a resultant happy winner and dejected loser.
Both parties look forward to fighting again.
Fighting with kids, couples, at work and in the world yields no lasting peace.
Arguing with friends, couples, co-workers, in politics yields no happy outcomes.
Learning to fight, argue and win more effectively only builds win-lose positions.
Gathering forces, evidence, using threats and intimidation builds disrespect and fear.
Why fight and argue?
People fight because they want to be right.
People fight because they want to win.
People fight because they want to get their way.
People fight because they don’t want to lose.
It is not natural.
It does not cause change.
It does not build trust.
It does not yield peace and cooperation.
Let’s look at this differently.
If you want closeness, arguing, judging, criticism and blame won’t work.
They each create separateness and disconnection.
If you want mutual respect, trust and cooperation, arguing builds less respect, trust and cooperation.
If you want closeness and connection, respect and responsibility, trust and cooperation, try asking questions and listening with an open mind to the answers.
Options:
Fair fighting takes time, energy and often builds frustration for both parties.
“I get 15 minutes to state my case and then you get the same from me without interruption.”
Compromise creates loss for both parties. “I give up what I want and you give up what you want, so we can have a middle ground which won’t satisfy either one of us.”
Mediation or External Judgment: Explain and justify to an external party and have them decide.
”Let’s tell Mom (or therapist) and see who they think is right or fair.”
Negotiation may yield a higher outcome which both parties can embrace. “I will support you in having what you want and need, if you will support me in having what I want and need to be satisfied.”
Hold No Position: State your position one time only. Listen to what the other person, believes and wants. Whoever has the strongest need and investment is given the opportunity to have what they want. The most conscious person is the one who is flexible, willing and seeks happiness and peace.
“I am feeling dissatisfied. I want satisfaction. I am willing to let go of my need to be right and simply seek to be happy with whatever the outcome is.”
My partner and I, my family and co-workers do not choose to fight, argue, threaten, demand.
I want people to have what they want, to choose what they believe it best for them.
Everyone is making choices.
If we are not attached to others’ choices, we can let go and allow everyone the freedom to choose what they believe is best for them.
When we interfere by making our demands, their choice is to resist us rather than to see and learn from the natural consequences of their choice.
Our interference or arguing often yields focus on the relationship rather than the subject of the argument.
Choices are how we use our power to direct our lives .
Exploration and experimentation are how we learn what works for us.
Mistakes are a powerful learning opportunity.
Freedom and trust are the keys to loving, respectful and successful relationships.
“I give you the freedom to choose your life as you believe is best for you.”
“I trust you to learn from your choices.”
“I give myself the freedom to choose my life as I believe is best for me.”
“I trust I will learn from my choices.”
No need to fight or argue.
Simply state your position once and then let go.
Or hold no position and let the other discover for themselves.
Loving you,
Betty Lue
August-September 2009 Programs
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Here are 3 grand daughters with whom we shared fun times again yesterday.... Lots to Love.
