When we love others, we have learned that their journey is our responsibility.
When we love others, we think we can tell them what is best for them.
When we love others, we act like we can save them from making mistakes.
Often I am asked about how to help an adolescent or a partner who is in trouble.
I offer the poem and prayer below as the highest Truth I know. (Read and save!)
And recently I sent this succinct response to someone who as asking for guidance.
“We cannot change others.
We can only change ourselves.
Life is what it is.
Learning to simply Love without attachment is the key.
Show up.
Pay attention.
Tell your most loving Truth and then Let go.
Love simply Love.
That’s It!”
Everyone is on their own journey learning their own lessons.
Each person has a path to follow.
It is not up to us to fix them, change them, or interfere with their learning process.
I have seen children diagnosed and tested and given drugs because they learn differently.
I have seen adults diagnosed, therapized and heavily medicated because they behave differently.
Simple clues to circumstances which you want to fix or change or express your opinion.
- If you are concerned for the sanity and safety of yourself or another, seek counsel.
- Get the help and opinion of other’s more qualified and objective about what to do.
- Get a second or third opinion if you don’t like the answer you get.
- Keep yourself out of harm’s way. Do not let others hurt you physically or emotionally.
If you are worried about someone you care for,
- Wait until you are asked for your opinion or help.
- Express yourself once only clearly and directly about what you are feeling, what you want and your underlying motivation. (i.e. How their behavior impacts you) Don’t nag.
- Give advice or counsel succinctly and directly.
- Make sure you are living what you are saying to another.
- Gather information from all angles, as a consultant would and leave it up to the other about what to do.
- Live by the Serenity Prayer: God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. (Or “the wisdom to perceive options where I thought there were none.”)
Remember Love is patient and kind, respectful and trusting, freeing and accepting. Love them anyway.
Loving you,
Betty Lue
“Prayer For A Loved One”
Dear Heart,
I will not worry, fret or be unhappy over you.
I will not be anxious concerning you.
I will not be afraid for you.
I will not give up on you.
I will not blame, criticize or condemn you.
I will remember first, last and always that you are God’s child, that you have His Spirit in you.
I will trust this Spirit to take care of you, to be a light to your path, to provide for your needs.
I will think of you as always being surrounded by God’s loving Presence, enfolded in His protecting care, as kept safe and secure in Him.
I will be patient with you.
I will have confidence in you.
I will stand by you in faith, and bless you in my prayers, knowing that you are growing, knowing that you are finding the help you need, the love you need, the healing you need, the financial freedom you need.
I have only good feelings in my heart about you.
I am willing to let you live your life as you see fit.
Your way may not be my way, but I will trust the Spirit of God in you to show you the way of your highest Good.
God loves you and I love you!
I have confidence in you and I believe in you!!
(author unknown)
Flower Poem
If you would grow to be your best self
Be patient, not demanding
Accepting, not condemning
Nurturing, not withholding
Self-marveling, not belittling
Gently guiding, not pushing & punishing
For you are more sensitive than you know
Mankind is tough as war
Yet delicate as flowers
We can endure agonies
But we open fully only to warmth & light
And our need to grow is fragile as a fragrance
Dispersed by storms of will
To return only when those storms are still
So accept, respect,
Attend your sensitivity
A flower
Cannot be opened
With a hammer.
(Given to me anonymously in the mid 70”2 when I first began psychotherapy. It is my motto.)