Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Relationships Are for Teaching and Learning

It is fun, safe and easy to be honest and respectful in my relationships.
I am open and willing to be awake and aware in all my relationships.
I choose wisely where, when, how and with whom I spend my time, energy, wisdom and resources.
I am clear in how to live a successful, happy and fulfilling life.

(See Keys to Successful Relationships and Habits of Successful People below!)

To relate is to see the other side of things.
To relate means to stand by one another.
To relate is to bring back and restore.
To relate is to connect.
When you find yourself in a real relationship, you feel connected and restored to your real self.

Many relationships are for gratification or pleasure of one or both.
Some relationships are to avoid feeling alone or separate.
Some relationships are an attempt to find a reason to be together.
Other relationships have a common interest or goal in their joining.

When we remember the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People:
We can be proactive and take responsibility for our choices.
We can begin with  the end in mind, our values, personal mission and ideal relationship clarified.
We can start with first things first, focused on our own priorities.  (And not use sex or attraction as bait.)
We can think Win-Win always seeking mutual benefit and work together toward positive outcome.
We can seek first to understand before being understood and listen closely to what the other truly means.
We can synergize and create teamwork  and cooperation with respect for the others’ needs and wants.
We can “sharpen the saw” and attend to our own balance and self renewal, fulfilling our own happiness.

Relationships between men and women have their own unique qualities.
Friendships will have their own unique composition, companionship, teaching/learning, convenience, etc.
Social and business relationships are different in their desired outcome and intentions.
People often use one another without being clear and open about the value of their relationships.

When two or more people come together, upsets are to help each individual to heal themselves.
The vulnerability that people feel is to help them reconcile within themselves their own healing.
When we are clear, happy, healthy and fulfilled within, our relationships are responsive to the needs.
When we are confused, unhappy, sick and needy, relationship tend to be reactive and confrontational.

When people are focused on short term gratification or personal pleasure, they miss the true value.
When people want to get something for themselves, they become narrow-minded and selfish.
When people are so needy, they take whatever they get, they often hurt themselves and others.
When people want to have the ideal through magical means, they may miss the reality of relationships.

Falling in love is short term.
Growing in love is long term.
Getting what you want is ego-centric.
Giving all you have is spiritually fulfilling.

Love can be personality based and temporary or spiritually based and long term.
Relating can be brief or for a singular purpose or long term for a common calling or cause.
Communication can be devoted to being heard or understood or getting approval and be one-sided.
True Communication can be seeking to understand another and sharing common values and goals.

When you learn how successful relationships, friendships and partnerships work effectively, you can invite those who seek similar ideals and goals.

Value yourself and your real relationships.
Clarify what you are seeking and be all that you seek.
Give yourself the very best in with whom and how you relate.
There is no need to sacrifice your personal ideas just to be in relationship.

Blessings of clarity and affirmation for you and your best.
Betty Lue

Keys to Successful Relationships

Joining-Create a common vision or shared goal.
Honesty- Communicate your true intention without secrets or withholds. 
Equality-Each is giving the best they know in each moment. 
Commitment- Agree to what is highest and best for both parties.
Responsibility- Be able and willing to respond consciously to all relationship needs without guilt or blame. Be respectful and forgiving of mistakes made.

Successful Relationships

To have successful relationships with partners, spouse, coworkers, teammates, children there are five essential factors: Joining, Honesty, Equality, Commitment, Responsibility.

Joining: All parties must share a common goal or vision for their relationship. This shared vision comes from communication regarding the needs of each individual, their vision for the future and what they share in common.

Honesty: Honest communication is sharing what really matters with no blame, guilt or withholds.
Honest is a byproduct of integrity, living one’s life on purpose with openness and appreciation.

Equality: When both parties are giving their best in each moment, there is equality.  Equality is not measured by comparison: it is experienced when there is the willingness to give one’s best even when it is less than the other.  To quit or hold back on one’s giving creates inequality.

Commitment: To commit to the fulfillment of the desired vision or goal and to the success of the relationship requires always choosing what is best for both.  Decisions are based on what is a win/win for all concerned.  One must be committed to what is highest and best for each party.

Responsibility: Being fully able and willing to respond to whatever is needed to create success through joining, honesty, equality and commitment is being fully responsible.  Where there is guilt or blame being communicated, there is inequality and victimization as well as lack of responsibility.

To be successful requires staying conscious.
To be successful requires a willingness to communicate with respect.
To be successful requires an acceptance of differences.
To be successful requires open-minded and appreciation of all parties.

To take on unconscious patterns of dysfunctional family systems will limit the success of one’s joining, honest communication, true willingness to give., total commitment to what is best for all and assuming full responsibility for the quality of the relationship.

If you want success and fulfillment in your relationships, begin today to observe what you can do to improve them in every way.  You need not depend upon the other changing in order to increase the quality of your relating.

Blessings for choosing a better way,
Betty Lue
The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People
We need to balance short-term results with long-term prosperity (i.e. Aesop’s “Goose and the Golden Egg”)
We need to subordinate a need to do things right (efficiency) to the need to do the right things (effectiveness).

Albert Gray, The Common Denominator of Success:  “Successful people have the habit of doing the things failures don’t like to do.  They don’t like doing them either, necessarily, but their disliking is subordinated to the strength of their purpose.”
Habits are patterns of behavior composed of three overlapping components:  knowledge, attitude and skill.  We are not our current habits, hence we should avoid defining ourselves in terms of our habits, characteristics, and reactive tendencies.   Habits of effectiveness can be learned, habits of ineffectiveness unlearned.  
Successful people daily weave habits of effectiveness into their lives.  Often, they are internally motivated by a strong sense of mission.  By subordinating their dislike for certain tasks, they develop the following seven habits and discipline their lives in accordance with fundamental principles.

The first three habits are habits of character.  They will help you achieve the daily private victory and progress from a state of dependence to independence.
The next three habits are outward expressions of character and lead to interdependence, mutual benefit, and public victories.
The seventh habit renews “the goose” and sustains the growth process.

Habit 1:  Be Proactive
The habit of being proactive, or the habit of personal vision, means taking responsibility for our attitudes and actions.  Proactive people develop the ability to choose their response, making them more a product of their values and decisions than their moods and conditions.  The more we exercise our freedom to choose, our response-ability, the more proactive we become.

Habit 2:  Begin With The End In Mind
Begin each day or project with a clear understanding of your desired direction and destination.  Effective people realize that things are created mentally before they are created physically.  They write a mission or purpose statement and use it as a frame of reference for making future decisions.  They clarify values and set priorities before selecting goals and going about the work.

Habit 3:  Put First Things First
This is the habit of personal management, and it involves organizing and managing time and events around the personal priorities identified in Habit 2.  80% of the desired results flow from 20% of the activities (the “high leverage” activities).  Devote less attention to activities that are urgent, but unimportant and more time to those things that are important, but not necessarily urgent.

Habit 4:  Think Win-Win
This is the habit of interpersonal leadership seeking mutual benefit.  It begins with a commitment to explore all options until a mutually satisfactory solution is reached.  It begins with an abundance mentality.  The win-win performance agreement clarifies expectations by making the following five elements very explicit:  desired results, guidelines, resources, accountability, and consequences.
Habit 5:  Seek First To Understand Then To Be Understood
This is the habit of communication.  We see the world as we are, not as it is.  Our perceptions come out of our experiences.  One must exercise empathy, seeking first to understand the point of view of the other person.  Once people are understood, they lower their defenses.

Habit 6:  Synergize
This is the habit of creative cooperation or teamwork.  Operating from a win-win abundance mentality and exercising empathy, differences in any relationship can produce synergy, where the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.  Synergy results from valuing differences, by bringing different perspectives together in the spirit of mutual respect.  Real oneness means complementariness.

Habit 7:  Sharpen The Saw
This is the habit of self-renewal.  When people get busy producing or “sawing”, they rarely take time to sharpen the saw because maintenance seldom pays dramatic immediate dividends.  Sharpening the saw means having a balanced, systematic program for self-renewal in the 4 areas of our lives: physical, mental, emotional-social, and spiritual.

Mission Statement


A meaningful personal Mission Statement contains both what you want to do (what you want to accomplish, what contributions you want to make) and what you want to be (what character strengths you want to have, what qualities you want to develop).

Step 1:  Define what you want to be and do
What I would like to do:
What I would like to be:

Step 2:  Identify and influential person
—Who has been one of the most influential people in my life?
Which of their qualities do I most admire?
What qualities have I gained (or desire to gain) from that person?

Step 3: Define your life roles
—Define up to 7 life roles (parts you have chosen to fill in work, family, community, and other areas of your life) and write how you would most like to be described in that particular role.  Listing roles helps you gain perspective and balance and the desired descriptions help you visualize your highest self.

Step 4:  Write a draft of your personal mission statement


Step 5:  Evaluate
—Is my mission based on timeless, proven principles?  Which ones?
Do I feel this represents the best that is within me?
During my best moments, do I feel good about what this represents?
Do I feel direction, purpose, challenge and some motivation when I review this statement?
Am I aware of the strategies and skills that will help me accomplish what I have written?
What do I need to start doing now to be where I want to be tomorrow?

Step 6:  Write a permanent draft
—Review this frequently for accuracy and to keep your vision and your values clearly in mind.


Step 1:  Sharpen the saw activities
—Define and schedule personal time for your physical, mental, spiritual and social-emotional activities which will keep your life in balance.

Step 2:  Define Key Goals
—Having defined your life roles, now write one, two or three key goals you wish to work on or accomplish for the next week for each role listed.

Step 3:  Allot time
—Schedule the appropriate amount of time you anticipate these key activities to take.

Step 4:  Schedule
—Evaluate prior appointments and commitments in relation to your own defined key roles and goals, distinguish between urgent and important, and schedule accordingly.

Step 5:  Live the program
—Execute your plan.  Spend a few minutes each day going over that day’s activities and stay flexible so you can focus on effectiveness and results rather than efficiency and methods.  Weekly planning allows you to see a broader context and schedule your priorities rather than merely prioritize what’s on your schedule.  It also enables you to lead your life instead of simply managing your time.
Leadership is a process, not an event.  By identifying your vision, capturing it through your Mission Statement and keeping it constantly before you through weekly planning, you will have laid a firm foundation for personal leadership.