Affirmations:
I listen to my own advice.
I give the best I know.
I respect myself and others in asking for help.
I demonstrate my love with thoughts, words and deeds that are respectful and kind.
Your thoughts and words create.
So be caring, clear and concise.
Listen to what you think.
Erase what you don’t want to create.
Listen to what you say.
Make sure you live what you say to others.
Sometimes people talk too much and gossip about others.
Sometimes they are busy correcting or suggesting to others.
Sometimes people want to control others with opinions and demands.
Sometimes people are teaching others to do what they need to do for themselves.
Sometimes people are busy telling others what to do, but don’t do it for themselves.
Sometimes people are trying to fix or change or figure out another, because they want to help.
Most of the time people do not listen to their own advice and suggestions.
Much of the time people are sharing stories about others that are meant to be confidential.
Sometimes the tone of our voice, our words and thoughts may be rude, crude or inappropriate.
Isn’t it about time we clean up our own act?
Let us start by listening to what we say and how we say it and to whom.
Let us learn to stop talking, until we have something beneficial, positive or kind to share.
Let us give our words a rest and be still until we hear what is worth sharing.
Let us trust that silence is golden and in the quiet we can listen to our heart.
Some Rules of Engagement:
Be appreciative (not critical).
Share what is valuable and wise. (No gossip.)
Listen more to others and talk less.
Give what is requested.
Be respectful of others time and interest.
Learn to be kind in all communication.
See the best and forgive the rest.
When Someone Asks for Help or Counsel :
Ask for what they want: Listening, advice, help, encouragement, prayer, referral, honest feedback?
Provide a safe, confidential environment for listening.
Set a time limit that works for both. (so no stress or resentment for either)
Give what you know.
Live what you give.
Show with your thoughts and words you care.
Be respectful of yourself and the other.
Invite the other to give you feedback or request more help as needed.
Give your best and let go of the rest.
Trust, Trust, Trust, Love is Enough!
Every encounter is meant to be holy.
Every interaction can be healing.
Every relationship invites us to give our best.
Every time we speak, we can share our Love.
Loving you for loving you and others, Too!
Betty Lue
Active Listening
What It Is
What It Is
Active listening is a skill borrowed from non-directive counseling techniques which help the listener “decode” the person’s feelings, to tell what’s “inside”. The receiver tries to understand what it is the sender is feeling or what his messages mean. The receiver does not send back a message of his own. He feeds only what he feels the sender’s message meant, nothing more, nothing less.
What It Does
Active listening helps a person to find out exactly what they are feeling. It actually helps free the person from troublesome feelings.
Active listening helps a person become less afraid of negative feelings.
Active listening promotes a relationship of warmth and caring.
Active listening facilitates problem-solving by the person.
Active listening influences the person to be more willing to develop new thoughts and ideas.
Active listening allows the other person to start analyzing problems, achieve constructive solutions, think for himself.
Active listening helps a person become less afraid of negative feelings.
Active listening promotes a relationship of warmth and caring.
Active listening facilitates problem-solving by the person.
Active listening influences the person to be more willing to develop new thoughts and ideas.
Active listening allows the other person to start analyzing problems, achieve constructive solutions, think for himself.
Attitudes Required To Use Active Listening
You must want to hear what the person has to say. You must be willing to take the time. If you don’t have the time, say so.
You must genuinely be able to accept the person’s feelings, whatever they may be or however different they are from your own feelings or from what you think the other person should fee. This attitude takes time to develop.
You must genuinely want to be helpful to the person with a particular problem at that time.
You must have a deep feeling of trust that each person has the ability to handle his feelings, work through them, and will find his own solutions.
You must appreciate that feelings are transitory, not permanent. Feelings change—hate can turn into love, discouragement may quickly be replaced by hope. Consequently, you need not be afraid of feelings getting expressed, they will not become forever fixed inside the person.
You must be able to see the person as someone separate from yourself. This will enable you to permit the person to have his own feelings, his own way of perceiving things. You must be with the person as he experiences his problems.
You must genuinely be able to accept the person’s feelings, whatever they may be or however different they are from your own feelings or from what you think the other person should fee. This attitude takes time to develop.
You must genuinely want to be helpful to the person with a particular problem at that time.
You must have a deep feeling of trust that each person has the ability to handle his feelings, work through them, and will find his own solutions.
You must appreciate that feelings are transitory, not permanent. Feelings change—hate can turn into love, discouragement may quickly be replaced by hope. Consequently, you need not be afraid of feelings getting expressed, they will not become forever fixed inside the person.
You must be able to see the person as someone separate from yourself. This will enable you to permit the person to have his own feelings, his own way of perceiving things. You must be with the person as he experiences his problems.
Roadblocks To Effective Communication
ORDERING, DIRECTING, COMMANDING
Telling a person to do something: “You have to do what I say.”
WARNING, ADMONISHING, THREATENING
Telling what consequences will occur if a person does something: “If you keep on crying, you’ll be depressed.”
EXHORTING, MORALIZING, PREACHING
Telling a person what should or ought to be done: “You should really get help with your problem.”
ADVISING, GIVING SOLUTIONS OR SUGGESTIONS
Telling someone how to solve a problem, giving advice or suggestions, providing answers or solutions: “I suggest you call your landlord immediately.”
JUDGING, CRITICIZING, DISAGREEING, BLAMING
Making a negative judgment or evaluation: “With that attitude, you will never accomplish anything.”
PRAISING, AGREEING
Offering a positive evaluation or judgment, agreeing: “You certainly have the ability to handle the situation.”
NAME CALLING, RIDICULING, SHAMING
Making the person feel foolish: “You’re stupid if you make a mountain out of a molehill.”
INTERPRETING, ANALYZING, DIAGNOSING
Telling a person that you have everything figured out and that you know why he/she is doing or saying something: “You’re just disappointed because everyone else was late.”
REASSURING, SYMPATHIZING, CONSOLING, SUPPORTING
Trying to make the person feel better, denying feelings, trying to make feelings go away: “A nice hot bubble bath will relax all that tension.”
DIVERTING, SARCASM, WITHDRAWAL, IGNORING
Not listening to what the person is saying: “I’ve talked to lots of people who have worse problems.”
QUESTIONING, PROBING
Trying to get the person to give you more information: “What else can you tell me about your problem?”
Telling a person to do something: “You have to do what I say.”
WARNING, ADMONISHING, THREATENING
Telling what consequences will occur if a person does something: “If you keep on crying, you’ll be depressed.”
EXHORTING, MORALIZING, PREACHING
Telling a person what should or ought to be done: “You should really get help with your problem.”
ADVISING, GIVING SOLUTIONS OR SUGGESTIONS
Telling someone how to solve a problem, giving advice or suggestions, providing answers or solutions: “I suggest you call your landlord immediately.”
JUDGING, CRITICIZING, DISAGREEING, BLAMING
Making a negative judgment or evaluation: “With that attitude, you will never accomplish anything.”
PRAISING, AGREEING
Offering a positive evaluation or judgment, agreeing: “You certainly have the ability to handle the situation.”
NAME CALLING, RIDICULING, SHAMING
Making the person feel foolish: “You’re stupid if you make a mountain out of a molehill.”
INTERPRETING, ANALYZING, DIAGNOSING
Telling a person that you have everything figured out and that you know why he/she is doing or saying something: “You’re just disappointed because everyone else was late.”
REASSURING, SYMPATHIZING, CONSOLING, SUPPORTING
Trying to make the person feel better, denying feelings, trying to make feelings go away: “A nice hot bubble bath will relax all that tension.”
DIVERTING, SARCASM, WITHDRAWAL, IGNORING
Not listening to what the person is saying: “I’ve talked to lots of people who have worse problems.”
QUESTIONING, PROBING
Trying to get the person to give you more information: “What else can you tell me about your problem?”