Friday, October 04, 2013

Are You Co-Dependent or Simply Truly Helpful?

I trust others to learn from their own life circumstances.
I am caring, kind and compassionate.
I love, learn and let go.
I am willing to serve, teach, share and contribute to the what is good for all.

Do you try to solve others’ problems?
Do you offer unsolicited advice?
Do you interfere or meddle in others’ problems?
Are you nosey and concerned about others?
If so, you may be co-dependent.

When you make it your business to mind other’s business, are you avoiding handling your issues?
When you feel better about yourself because you take care of others needs, you may be codependent.
When your self esteem is based on helping others to depend on you, you may need them to be dependent.
When you do not wait for others to ask for help, advice, counsel and support, you may need to rescue.

Some say over 95% of all families are co-dependent.
Some believe that co dependence is simply caring for others.
Some notice that those who care for others often don’t care for themselves.
Some teach that we must care for ourselves before we can honestly be helpful to others.

These are questions not answers.
They are opinions, not facts.
There is research with differing results.
You need to decide for yourself when you are being truly helpful.

If your help takes away natural consequence and intervenes in the learning process, are you helpful?
If you take over and make decisions for those who need to learn to decide for themselves, is this helpful?
If you believe you know what is best for others and try to convince them your way is right, is this good?
If you buffer, lie, excuse, justify and protect others from learning their own lessons, is this good for them?

With my education, professional and personal experience, I do not counsel or advise others, unless asked.
With my family members and spouse, I step away from prying, questioning or being judging.
I choose to mind my own business and only respond if asked.
I do not like others telling me what to do, so I refrain from telling another, unless my opinion is requested.

My guiding principle is to respect, trust and free others to learn their own lessons their way.
My preference is to wait until asked to offer my help.
When asked I set a private and confidential time and place (appointment with end time agreed on) 
I ask, what is wanted or needed. (To simply listen, to counsel or coach, to advise or give feedback.)
I then respect myself and the other by keeping our agreement.
When our time together is done, I honor our completion by not bringing it up or thinking about it again.

I trust that my life is my learning school and my work.
I trust that your life is your place of learning and I am not to interfere unless I am specifically invited.
On rare occasions when I intuit or experience there may be harm to someone, I will intervene.
Usually the Presence of a conscious person is enough to provide a wakeup call and new choice.

When we judge another’s behavior we are usually adding to their problem and interfering.
When we are condemning or fearful, we often are creating static or distortion so there is less clarity.
When we are projecting our thoughts and feelings into anothers’ life, without awareness we are making matters worse.
We can learn to clear the fear, doubt and worry by practicing forgiveness of our judgments and a positive affirming prayer for Right Outcome….for the highest good of all.

Learning to respect, trust and love ourselves is key to trusting, respecting and loving others and their process.
I am willing to trust, respect and appreciate you and me and all as we all learn from our own choices,
Betty Lue

 Helping, Fixing, Serving
--by Rachel Remen (May 29, 2000)

Service is not the same as helping. 
Helping is based on inequality, it's not a relationship between equals. When you help, you use your own strength to help someone with less strength. It's a one up, one down relationship, and people feel this inequality. When we help, we may inadvertently take away more than we give, diminishing the person's sense of self-worth and self-esteem.
Now, when I help I am very aware of my own strength, but we don't serve with our strength, we serve with ourselves. We draw from all our experiences: our wounds serve, our limitations serve, even our darkness serves. The wholeness in us serves the wholeness in the other, and the wholeness in life. Helping incurs debt: when you help someone, they owe you. But service is mutual. When I help I have a feeling of satisfaction, but when I serve I have a feeling of gratitude.
Serving is also different from fixing. We fix broken pipes, we don't fix people. When I set about fixing another person, it's because I see them as broken. Fixing is a form of judgment that separates us from one another; it creates a distance.

So, fundamentally, helping, fixing and serving are ways of seeing life. When you help, you see life as weak; when you fix, you see life as broken; and when you serve, you see life as whole.
When we serve in this way, we understand that this person's suffering is also my suffering, that their joy is also my joy and then the impulse to serve arises naturally - our natural wisdom and compassion presents itself quite simply. A server knows that they're being used and has the willingness to be used in the service of something greater. 
We may help or fix many things in our lives, but when we serve, we are always in the service of wholeness.
--Rachel Remen, from Zen Hospice

“Prayer For A Loved One”

Dear Heart,
I will not worry, fret or be unhappy over you.
I will not be anxious concerning you.
I will not be afraid for you.
I will not give up on you.
I will not blame, criticize or condemn you.
I will remember first, last and always that you are God’s child, that you have His Spirit in you.
I will trust this Spirit to take care of you, to be a light to your path, to provide for your needs.
I will think of you as always being surrounded by God’s loving Presence, enfolded in His protecting care, as kept safe and secure in Him.
I will be patient with you.
I will have confidence in you.
I will stand by you in faith, and bless you in my prayers, knowing that you are growing, knowing that you are finding the help you need, the love you need, the healing you need, the financial freedom you need.
I have only good feelings in my heart about you.
I am willing to let you live your life as you see fit.
Your way may not be my way, but I will trust the Spirit of God in you to show you the way of your highest Good.
God loves you and I love you!
I have confidence in you and I believe in you!!
(author unknown)

There is no difficulty that enough love will not conquer;
No disease that enough love will not heal;
No door that enough love will not open;
No gulf that enough love will not bridge;
No wall that enough love will not throw down;
No sin that enough love will not redeem.

 It makes no difference 
  how deeply seated may be the trouble,
How hopeless the outlook,
How muddled the tangle,
How great the mistake. 
A sufficient realization of love will dissolve it all.

 If only you could love enough, you would be the happiest 
and most powerful being in the world.

Emmet Fox