Wednesday, July 03, 2013

Sacrifice Does Not Work!

I no longer compare, evaluate and expect more.
I give my best with Joy.
I receive the Good I give with gratitude.
I appreciate unconditional giving and receiving.
I now give simply to enjoy freely giving.

Take care of yourself first.
Be able to respond and give with love.
Never give at the expense of your own well being.
When you give expecting to get, you may be disappointed.

Giving is not martyring yourself.
Bargaining or exchange is “giving to get” something in return.
Real Love does not give to get.
Loving with conditions and expectations is not really loving; it is exchange.

Learn to give with gratitude and Joy.
Joyful giving occurs when we are full of joy and gratitude.
When I have, I give with joy and gratitude.
When I give freely, I am sharing what I have.

Giving with expectations of return is not a gift.
Giving freely is giving and receiving from the gift being given.
When we take impeccable care of ourselves, we are full of love to share.
When we are loving ourselves, our love is shared easily, naturally and freely.

The “set up” in relationships is to measure and evaluate who gives what and how much.
The expectation to have others give what you want to get, is fraught with potential resentment.
The sacrifice or martyring of one’s time, money and energy leads to guilt and resentment.
When the recipient feels they are not giving their “fair share”, they feel inadequate and less than.

When people feel guilty about not giving what you want and making you unhappy, they withhold or blame.
Guilt rarely creates healthy apology and change in behavior.
Guilt usually generates avoidance, withdrawal, withholding or blame, resentment and rejection.
Making another feel guilty is a form of attack.

Be clear and concise when you want something from someone else.
When you want to give and get, negotiate what is fair for both.
When you want an exchange of time, money and energy, be explicit with your request.
“I want….. and I am willing to…………” 
“What do you want and what are you willing to……?”

When you give from pure joy of giving, be clear it is a gift from your heart.
When you give, because you want something in exchange, be honest in your sharing.
Let there be no deception in you or the other if you are giving with expectation of a return gift.
Be willing to share specifically and exactly what you want in return, so neither party is disappointed.

Life can be fair-care-share by being fair with yourself and others as you share how you care.
Loving you, Betty Lue

Your work is to clean up your own act.
  • Make no assumptions.
  • Keep your agreements.
  • Take nothing personally.
  • Always give your best.
  1. Read the Four Agreements by Don Michael Ruiz.
  2. Take the assessment and share your preferences simply with one another.
  3. Honor (respect) the other’s requests with no question, comment, arguing, etc.
  4. Stop looking at the past or future and treat each encounter, present moment, as the precious time it is.
  5. You have only the current contact or conversation to express your love, caring and gratitude, so use it well.
  6. Waste no time going over the past.  It is gone.
  7. Start enjoying your life and your self and your choices today.

Love brings joy.
Fear generates pain.
When you are not in joy, you have made a mistake.
Step away and choose again.
The 5 Languages of Fear
The 5 Calls for Love
An intuitive look at some possible explanations for unacceptable behavior. According to A Course in Miracles, everything is either a gift of love or a call for love. The 5 Languages of Love (Dr. Gary Chapman) teach us more about how to effectively give and receive the gifts of love, but what about responding to the calls for love? The answer is always to “give love”, but that is only possible after we have stopped reacting to the call as a personal attack. The first step is awareness
Awareness with love is healing.
When people are in fear or pain (and needing love), they are not always sensitive, aware, articulate, considerate or even caring. They will either see you as the cause of their current dilemma or just a handy (loving) person they can strike out at so they won’t be alone in their misery. They will either deprive you of what they know you value most or what they, themselves, value most.
Here are 5 possible disguises of the call for love.
1.    The Put-Down—This includes complaining, anger, blame, guilt, insults, destructive words. If Words of Affirmation are a primary love language for you, hearing someone else’s pain directed at you can be especially hurtful.

2.    The Cold Shoulder—This includes being pre-occupied, too busy, multi-tasking, distracted, walking away, ignoring, threatening to leave or end the relationship, shutting you out. If Quality Time is a primary love language for you, being left alone or abandoned can be devastating.

3.    The Take-Away—This includes taking or breaking things, stealing, constantly saying “We can’t afford it”, not giving or sharing, being selfish. If Receiving Gifts is a primary love language for you, being deprived will be hurtful way out of proportion to the value of the actual gift itself.

4.    The Complication—This includes forgetting to do things, being too busy to help out, refusing to help out, being destructive, making messes, causing problems, adding complications and making more work. If Acts of Service are a primary love language for you, the burden of having to do more or do it all yourself leaves you feeling hurt and resentful.

5.    The Hurt—This includes hitting, hurting, outside affairs and cheating, withholding/denying touch and affection, and all acts of physical violence. If Physical Touch is a primary love language for you, either destructive touching or touch deprivation can cause you to emotionally wither and want to withdraw from the world.

Keys to responding with love:
1.    Don’t take it personally. It’s not about you. It’s about them. If you take it personally, they may think it actually is about you and fail to (eventually) take responsibility for their condition. 
2.    Take care of yourself. You may need to actually remove yourself from the situation in order to stop getting hurt and to get clear. If you let them hurt you, you create either conscious or unconscious guilt on their part, which will cause them to either attack more vigorously or withdraw completely.
3.    Listen within for guidance. Once you can bring yourself to peace and neutrality, listen to your heart about how to respond. This is clearly a call for love. What does the other person actually need or want? What will be the most helpful and the most easily received by them. Sometimes love and forgiveness is best expressed in person and sometimes it is more effective from a distance. Do you need to speak, write, think, pray, act?
4.    Do what you hear and trust it is good. Get on with your life and keep loving yourself so you can continue to love others.

Robert Waldon, Feb. 2012
The 5 Love Languages
What if you could say or do just the right thing guaranteed to make that special someone feel loved? The secret is learning the right love language! Millions of couples have learned the simple way to express their feelings and bring joy back into marriage: The 5 Love Languages, Dr. Gary Chapman’s New York Times bestseller!
Words of Affirmation Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.
Quality Time In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.
Receiving Gifts Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.
Acts of Service Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.
Physical Touch This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.