Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Questions and Self Expression

Do you want to get to know someone better?
Do you ask lots of questions and get few answers?
Do you have a tendency to talk to fill in spaces?
Do you easily share your thoughts and feelings with others?

Some people simply talk all the time, just to fill the space, because they cannot stand silence.
Some people try to connect with others by sharing all their thoughts, feelings, opinions and ideas.
Some people believe to emotionally connect with another, they need to share the private stuff.
Some people don’t have the ability or willingness to simply listen without comment or questions.

If you love people who talk all the time, then let them talk all the time.
If you value people who freely share their feelings, it makes sense to share yours.
If you like people to get emotionally connected by confiding their innermost secrets, then do the same.
If you are having trouble feeling safe with your thoughts and feelings, learn to be safe for others.

Our American culture seems to value exposing everything to the public.
As we display our breasts, butts and belly fat to others, maybe we are suggesting we want to see it all.
As we watch vulgar behavior, overt sexuality, violence and crime on TV, maybe we want to know it all. 
When we unashamedly beg, threaten and demand at home and work, maybe we think it is our right.

Most mature adults, especially men, keep their inner thoughts private, even with their best friends. 
To share with someone, there must be total safety and respect.  
When women react with questions, emotions and defensiveness, men do not feel safe or respected.  
To listen with respect and gratitude is not what women usually do.  

If you want a private person to share their feelings, you must earn their trust.  
Also many cultures discourage emotional sharing.  
To “know” someone requires that you be sensitive to their beliefs, their way of expressing and respectful of their way of living. 
 This calls for great sensitivity and respect.  

Society sees emotionally expressive people as being less mature and more needy and self serving.
Self contained individuals are seem as being mature, aware of others needs and responsible for themselves.
When therapists teach clients to express feelings openly, we may be encouraging their dependence on others.
When we teach people to share what they think and feel freely, we may be encouraging lack of self discipline and self responsibility.

When we are not responsible for healing and making ourselves happy and peaceful, we may become dependent and needy.
When we have excess or negative energy and emotions, we must learn to express them in productive, constructive and creative ways.
When we have upset, we must learn to recognize, it is never for the “reason:” we think.
When we blame others for our feelings, we ignore the root cause within and its real healing.

Loving you and thanks always for asking, learning and growing to be the responsible , confident and loving woman you are.
Betty Lue

Healing Relationships

We are responsible for our own happiness and inner peace.

Where we are upset (angry, hurt, afraid, judgmental), our past wounds (unhealed stuff) has been triggered.   
This shows us where we have work to do.

The usual relationship habit is to “fix” the other person, to get them to change or stop saying or doing what has upset us. This makes the other feel “wrong” and guilty and hurt and angry and inadequate. This only exaggerates the problem.  
It is ineffective over the long term.

The real work is to heal our own woundedness, to clear our own buttons and heal our history and forgive allowing anything or anyone to hurt us.  When we have done our work, we can be truly effective, helpful and teach by example.

This is a big job.  
It cannot be done overnight, but takes constant practice.
We must first take good care of ourselves mentally, physically, and spiritually.  
Being conscious and taking impeccable care of ourselves is essential to quality relationships.

Begin now with learning to love, respect, trust and appreciate yourself.
The more you love, trust, respect and appreciate yourself, 
the more you will love, trust, respect and appreciate others.

The more you love, respect, trust and appreciate yourself, 
the more others will do the same for themselves and  for you.

You are the living example, the teacher, with everything you think, say and do.