Friday, November 14, 2008

Why Do They Pick on You?

Bullying and scape-goating is a behavior of those lacking in self esteem and confidence.
Bullies have usually been scape-goated, teased and ridiculed in their own family system.
Just as there is a pecking order in the animal kingdom, so there is with humans.
When someone picks on another just to be mean or to be powerful, they are feeling afraid and insecure.

How we respond determines how we see ourselves and how others perceive us.
To stand up for ourselves and treat the other with dignity and respect, increases self respect.
To speak up for ourselves without attacking or playing poor me builds trust and safety.
To state what we are feeling and what we want and are willing to do begins healthy dialogue.

When we cower and cry, we let others know they have hurt us and they feel guilt.
When we whine and complain to others, we blame the other and they feel guilt and fear.
When we protect and defend ourselves, we teach the bullying person they can hurt us.
When we judge and attack the offending party, we create war and more fear and attack.

When we cause anyone guilt, they usually withdraw and stay away or……
When we tell someone they have hurt us, they feel guilty and attack back with blame.
Guilt usually leads to a repeat of the offensive behavior.
Trying to make someone feel guilty is a form of attack and is ineffective in changing behavior.

So what can we do, when we feel we are being judged.
Demonstrate no fear.
Do not allow anyone to hurt us.
Create more self love and self respect.
Speak with integrity and positive regard in a clear and concise way.

I feel …”I feel confused.”
I want…. "I want to be heard and respected.”
I am willing……”I am willing to speak clearly and respectfully with you now.”

Then ask the other (or use your intuition):
How are you feeling?
What are you wanting from this?
What are you willing to do to change things between us?

In most family relationships, we learn to adjust to the inequity in power and authority.
In most group situations, we learn to overpower or submit to others.
In most relationships, people are playing the part they have assigned themselves unconsciously.
Our assignments are learned from what seemed to work within early childhood programming.

Learn to use a different tone of voice, different stance and facial expression.
Learn to speak to yourself in the mirror until you really feel your authenticity.
Learn to give the other the respect and appreciation you want for yourself.
Learn to be willing to forgive errors in relating, yours and others quickly.
Learn to be the best you can be in all your relationships, treating no one less or more.
Learn to make no assumptions and ask what you want to know.
Learn to keep you agreements with yourselves and stop changing your mind based on fear.
Learn to trust first that others want to be their best and do what is right.
Only fear of disapproval and rejection keeps people from telling the loving truth.

Loving you and communicating freely,
Betty Lue