Friday, May 11, 2007

Guilt Is Attack

When people feel guilty, they attack or withdraw.
When people feel guilty, they often attack with criticism, blame and trying to hurt the other.
Most people feel guilty because they have not love themselves or others well.
Most people are encouraged to feel guilt to motivate them to love themselves and others will.

The problem often is they do not know how to love themselves and others well.
The difficulty is they are usually basing their forms of loving on how they were loved.
The obstacles are ignorance (not knowing) and fear (not trusting they can do better).
The challenge is creating the space where they are happy and willing to learn a better way.

Assessment: How do you know when someone is feeling guilty?
They blame and criticize others.
They withdraw and stay separate from others.
They hurt themselves, cutting, suicide, not eating, accidents, addictive behavior, financial ruin, etc.
They either attack back or try to get rid of interaction with the person about whom they feel guilt.

First step, Stop letting them hurt themselves, hurt others, hurt stuff or hurt you.
Second step, stop trying to get them to feel guilty, apologize and change their behavior.
Third step, ask yourself what you might want if you were in their dilemma.
Fourth, ask them what they do want from you. ( and really listen without comment or defensiveness,)
Fifth, be willing to change your behavior toward them.
Sixth, create a safe space of affirmation, freedom and trust in which they can express themselves.
Seventh, become a positive and patient learner and teacher in your relationship with them.

Notice where you are unable or unwilling to participate in the above suggestions.
Herein lies the problem.
We first must do our work before we can create a truly safe and loving (neutral) space in which to be truly helpful to another.
Usually we first must clear our guilt and blame.
Usually we first must recognize and heal where we are ignorant and fearful.

Remember everything unlike love is a cry for help and healing and a call for Love.
This is our real work in every relationship.

Do not judge, compare or expect to be perfect.
There is only willingness to forgive our mistakes and choose again for the best we know.

Willing always to forgive and choose again.
(PS I am pruning away the errors of the mind, learned worldly limiting expectations and faulty beliefs.)
Betty Lue