Wednesday, February 18, 2004

Effective Arguing?

It is a waste of energy to argue.
It is valuable to share your opinion, your perspective and your judgment, only if you recognize that is what it is. ..simply your opinion. Everyone sees the issue from their own place, their own beliefs and history. We all have a way of seeing what it. To try to convince someone that your position is “right” is usually to convince ourselves that we are “right” and they are “wrong”. This yields an unequal relationship or one in which there is a winner and a loser.

Often, we don’t share at all because we don’t want the other person to feel bad or because we are afraid of their reaction. It is effective to share your viewpoint, only if the other person genuinely is willing to listen and holds it as just another perspective. To argue back and forth trying to convince the other usually yields resistance, defensiveness, hurt feelings and resentment. To argue is usually about expressing and justifying our emotions rather that wanting the other person to see another viewpoint.

To share openly invites openness and honesty, a key to successful relating.
First ask if the other wants to hear your perspective.
Ask when would be the best time to talk, preferably without interruption.
Preface your self expression with a statement of : “This is only my viewpoint. “
I want to share with you to improve the quality of our relationship. My intention is to love more.
When you share, take full responsibility for your feelings, your beliefs, your judgments, etc.
I feel….. . I see……..I want……… I am willing………
Then open the door to fully hear the other’s viewpoint.
What do you feel?
What do you observe?
What do you want?
What are you willing to do to have what you want?
Listen with full acceptance of the other’s perspective.
Recognize that respecting each others values choices and points of view is honoring the right to be different and respecting the right to disagree and continue to love one another.

I learned many years ago to state my position and then immediately let go to open the door to the other person’s viewpoint. Hold no position. Step into full acceptance. It is in acceptance or awareness with non-judgment that healing and movement occurs. What you give to another will be given to you.

Loving you,
Betty Lue

A friend reminded me that impatience (and arguing) is simply not loving what is.