Tuesday, August 05, 2003

Suggestions for Intimate Sharing

If you want to share with a partner or friend, decide the outcome you seek….peaceful, helpful, happy, safe, accepting.
Ask for their time and get permission to share.
Be respectful of their needs to rest, to eat, to handle their own agenda.
Declare your need to speak.
Ask specifically for what you want. “I have some problems or leftover feelings I want to share with you. Is now a good time or is there a better time and place?”
Be open to their response.
Support their needs as well as your own.
A listener is better, when they are prepared and fully available.
Don’t ask for something the other cannot or does not want to give.
Choose a time and place that is private.
Ask for their listening without comment, or ask for their advice…or ask for them to tell you their side of the story or ask for them to first hear you out and then respond.
Request their agreement. “Are you willing? Is that OK with you?”
When you share, make sure you do it from your perspective.
No blaming or finger pointing. No attack, No accusing them of deceiving you or hurting you.
Simply “I feel…I want…. I am willing to do …to have what I want….”
Ie. “I feel hurt when you arrive home later than you told me for dinner, because it brings up my issues with being taken for granted and not good enough. I want to know I am loved and respected by you. I am willing to ask you specifically for a phone call, when you are leaving the office. I will forgive myself for my feelings of being not good enough.”

When you are complete with your sharing, give the other an opportunity to share without interruption.
Know if you are sharing something you want from them, they may feel hurt and guilty.
To increase the chance of their wanting to take responsibility and make behavioral changes, you need to be totally understanding and helpful at this point to encourage them. If you continue to let them know how bad you are feeling, it is more likely they will feel guilty, hurt and blame you. Or they will feel guilty and hurt and withdraw love and attention from you…..to heal their wounds.

If you want a win/ win solution, it is essential that you take the time to clear or heal your own past history first. The other person can feel the dump and is ill-prepared to clear it all. They feel attacked and sabotaged. To pour more than today’s issue on someone is to let them know you stockpile resentment. To bring up past history is to declare you are unforgiving. To keep putting out your feelings, when the other cannot respond with compassion is to build resentment and fear in your communication. To try to get an apology or behavior change from the other is to say they are “wrong” and try to correct them. This feels belittling and will yield unfulfilling results.

Stop yourself, the moment you see the conversation is going awry. When you are not creating the result of more love and compassion, you have erred. Stop. Look at what just happened. Take a break. Go be alone. Listen inside and write down what you hear. “What is making me upset is….What I can do to become happy and peaceful again is….What I am trying to heal from my childhood is……How I can most easily heal and clear this pain is ….”

Heal from within. Then share your learning and healing success with the other. You will build confidence, compassion, freedom of expression and Love.

This is part of my new book to be published this month. Relationships Reminders.
Hope you like it and it blesses your life.
Loving you, Betty Lue