Friday, November 02, 2012


To communicate is to transmit or exchange information with others.
To share ideas, thoughts, information and history requires a willingness to learn the language of the other.
Whether we use pictures, sign language, sounds or words, telepathy, expression, or movement is choice.
When we desire the other to receive our communication, we must know the best way to reach them.

When communication fails, it is the responsibility of the sender to stop and re-evaluate their effectiveness.
The sender needs to learn new ways to getting your message across to the others person.
Often I find in families , people seem to keep doing the same things to be heard.
Or when frustrated by ineffective communication, they just do it again with more intensity and anger.

Don’t expect others to know. 
Learn to say or write what you want the other to know.
Ask what they heard until they can communicate and show you.
Listen for their response to discern if they understand.

Don’t assume you know what others need or want to say.
If others have not clarified what they need, ask for their verbal or written communication with you.
It works well to repeat back to them.  
“I understand you need this from me. Is this correct?”

Don’t keep doing the same thing repeatedly without getting results.
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again…..But use a different way.
Some learn best by seeing it, some by hearing it, and some by watching or doing it.
If you are not getting through, ask yourself “What can I do differently?”

To communicate effectively:
Choose a time with no distractions or interruptions.
Communicate with no outside stimuli, eye contact and at the same level as the other.
Communicate when the other is ready, willing and able to listen.

To communicate consciously:
Set a time when both people are able to be fully present.
Choose a time when you want to really listen to one another.
Clarify your intention of communicating and set goals.

To communicate respectfully:
Listen to one another without interruption. 
Speak with tone and manner that is kind.
Be considerate of the needs of each.

Some questions you might want to ask yourself and the other.
“Do you have time to talk with me?”
Have you shared what you need to fully communicate?
Can you let me know what will work for you?
Does it work best to talk on the phone, in person or in writing?
What have you heard me say?
What works for you?
How and when can I share with you?
Is the form of communication I am using helpful or hurtful?
Are we talking at each other or with each other?
Am I saying what is really true for me?
Have I shared the outcome I want to achieve?
Am I telling stories so I can hear myself or is there a point to all of this?
Do I just need to know I am being heard?
Do I really care what the other is saying to me?
Am I using words to attack or heal and be helpful?
Am I venting or soothing or appreciating?

Communication is a very effective tool for human relationship when used correctly.
Communication is a very destructive tool when used for attack, bullying and abuse.
We have a choice to give up on learning the best way or being willing to learn a better way.
If what we are experiencing is not beneficial to both parties, be open to learning more.

Loving us as we learn a better way to relate,
Betty Lue

Assertive People Do:
1. Decide what they want.
2. Decide if it is fair.
3. Ask for it clearly.
4. Are not afraid of taking risks.
5. Are calm and relaxed.
6. Express feelings openly.
7. Give and take compliments easily.
8. Accept and give fair evaluation.

Assertive People Do not:
1. Beat about the bush.
2. Go behind other people's backs.
3. Bully.
4. Call people names.
5. Bottle up their feelings.

Aids For Developing Assertiveness:
1. Models
2. Love and encouragement
3. Caring evaluation
4. A sense of values
5. A basic feeling of security

Comparing Responses
There are two primitive, adaptive, instinctive responses when encountering a problem area:  1)  a desire for flight or 2)  a desire to fight. We mostly experience these responses as fear or anger.  Both responses are basically "back-brain" or reactive in nature.  Assertiveness brings the "fore-brain" into play, bringing objectivity and "rationality".

The more I respect myself, the more I respect others.
 The more I respect myself, the more others respect me.
 The more I respect myself, the more others respect themselves.
 Therefore, I choose to respect myself more.