Friday, March 08, 2013

Biggest Mistakes in Relationships

Our biggest mistake is when we forget to Love!All Relationships Are For Healing and Learning.When we judge, blame or make one another feel guilt or shame, we are hurting rather than healing.
When we nag, badger, threaten, belittle or condemn each other, we damage the relationship.
When we withhold love, affection or ignore one another, we deplete the quality of relationship.
Every time we give less, we decrease the trust, confidence, love and happiness for both.

The Value of Healing Relationships.Men and women in all relationships must recognize the real value of healing within all relationships.
When we extend peace and gratitude, kindness and compassion, forgiveness and love, we heal.
When either one heals, both benefit.
When there is more respect and appreciation shared, the relationship is strengthened.

How Do You Know When There Is Healing?Both people feel peace.
There is gratitude and Joy.
There is respect, response-ability and cooperation.
There is trust and freedom, allowing both people to give and live their highest and best.

What Does It Take to Heal in a Relationship?It takes a willingness to be open-minded to really see the needs in a loved one.
It takes trust in the power of love to forgive the mistakes and negative experiences.
It takes a kind and open heart to respect what others say and do without taking it personally.
It takes making no assumptions, taking nothing personally and always giving our best.

Mistakes Women May MakeWomen often talk too much and listen too little.
Women sometimes assume they know what men are thinking and feeling.
Women may interrupt and not give ample time for men to express (sometime an hour or day is needed.)
Women assume men think and act like women, and may want men to listen to all their emotional  stuff.

Mistakes Men May MakeMen may believe they are responsible for a woman’s happiness.
Men may try to fix, control or make decisions for the woman.
Men may become overwhelmed by listening  and trying to understand women’s emotions.
Men may get angry or feel guilty or withdraw when women complain, nag or demand.

Men and women process their “problems” differently.
Men and women handle emotions and expression differently.
Men and women need very different types of support.
Men and women must be treated as unique individuals.
To heal, we must heal ourselves without blame or guilt.When we need a listener, we must ensure that the other is willing and capable.
When we want support, we must ask for the specific type of support that is best for us.
When we do not “get” what we want, we must learn not to criticize or blame one another.

Forgive and choose again for what works,
Betty Lue

What Men and Women Really WantThis describes our egoic (learned personality) behaviors and motivations, not our higher or spiritual nature.
Generalizations about what gender really wants are just that –generalizations!
However there are consistent behaviors among genders that are often misunderstood.
Sometimes men and women simply project their intentions and emotions onto the opposite sex.
Or frequently there are gender stereotypes which cause misperceptions in relationships.
Ie. When a woman won’t talk, it is because she is resentful or punishing the other person.
When men won’t talk and withdraw, it is usually because they don’t know what to say without exposing their emotional vulnerability and prefer to work it out without hurting the other or themselves.

In general….men simply want to make their woman happy.Men are simple.
Men try hard to please the other after doing their “job” the best they can as protector and provider.
Men are confused by emotions and emotional behavior.
Men have difficulty reading what changing emotional states and behaviors are really saying.
Men do their best to make it right, but have limited tools or understanding.
Men objectify women.  
Men often are simply seeing their woman as the object of their love.
Men are dependent on a woman.
(Men tend to remarry within one year of losing their partner, On average for women it is five years.)
Men use their relationship as their north star, the compass by which they guide their course in life.
Men need their woman to be clear about what really matters and stay true to her word.
When the woman changes her mind, it is frustrating, confusing and can cause depression and distress.
Men have learned to stay away when a woman (mother) is upset until they “know” what to do.
Men try hard to keep the relationship on an even keel.
Men tend to exert all their energy in doing what they know they can do….earn money and keep safe.
They often use TV, internet and video games to go into the zone to undo stress and to stay out of trouble.
In general, criticism shuts down their energy and makes them weak, uncertain and confused.
Men would rather avoid fights by staying away (under the radar). ( Working or playing or unavailable.)
Men rely on their woman’s happiness and approval to know that they are OK, wanted and belong.

In general…women simply want their way.Women are complex.
Women please themselves by doing their job of nurturing and nourishing the whole family.
Women stir emotions and emotional reactions and see them as indicating love and loyalty.
Women project their motives onto men, not recognizing the differences.
Women do their best to manipulate, control and convince to get their believed “right” way.
Women utilize men.
Women use men to protect, provide and produce children.
Women are independent and capable of caring for themselves, but it is less work with willing help.
Women oversee the big picture and plan for the future of themselves and their families.
Women multitask and seem to consider all elements.
Women are best at scheduling and making future plans.
Women can be effective assistants to men and know how to control the outcome.
Women use their relationship as the means to get what they want: home, family, travel, companion, etc.
Women resent criticism and will find ways to get even, defend and attack.
Women expect men to be like women and disrespect men’s inabilities to perform.
Women use emotions as power, fighting to confuse the man, to win and get their way.
Women use the man’s compliance (obedience) as the indication of his love and loyalty.

These generalizations are based on 30 years of observation and listening to the genders express their unconscious and conscious motivations.  Betty Lue