Friday, October 01, 2010

Stand Up For Your Self

When you give yourself the support you need,  you are respected and trusted.
When you are passive, indecisive or needy, you may not be heard, honored or trusted.
When you are aggressive, demanding and belittling, you may be feared, judged and avoided.
When you trust, respect and treat yourself well, others see you as a role model.

Most parents waiver between being autocratic and demanding to being laissez-faire and “I don’t care.”
When we step away and let others have the advantage, we build up cover hostility and resentment.
When we have had enough of allowing others using, and abusing us, we may voice aggressiveness.
We demand and threaten with little follow-up and then feel guilty and become passive again.

Ugh!
Time to learn to assert ourselves without demand, threat, duty or obligation.
Time to undo old habits of indecisiveness and assert our highest and best ways.
When we can forgive ourselves and others and come from a place of neutrality, we see clearly.
When we are clear, conscious and creative, we choose what is highest and best for all.

Think clearly.
Speak clearly.
Act clearly.
Live in integrity with what is good for everyone.

We must take impeccable care of mind, body and spirit to know what we want.We must take impeccable care of our whole selves to be honest with ourselves and others.We must take impeccable care of our selves to give our very best all the time to everyone.We must take impeccable care of our authentic self to commit to choose for the good of each one.We must take impeccable care of the One We Are to be willing to be totally responsible.
To assert yourself requires being crystal clear about what is wanted and needed in each situation.
To assert yourself requires being flexible to allow for difference in people and circumstances.
To assert yourself requires noticing what is fair and caring enough to share it  and be heard.
To assert yourself requires forgiving mistakes and errors of omission and commission.

Take time to stop, look inside and listen to the most loving and effective way to proceed.
Take time to clear your fear, criticism, resentment and guilt before speaking or acting.
Take time to understand the other’s needs as well as your own before making up your mind.
Take time to respond with trust and freedom before reacting with fear and restrictive requirements.

You are setting the tone for the response.
When you speak and act with respect, you are demonstrating how you want to be respected.
When you speak and act with anger and impatience, you are teaching the other to respond in like.
Every thought, word and action is teaching others how you see them and want them to see you.

Give your very best and most conscious response to all you encounter.
You will make the world a better place.
Loving and respecting you,
Betty Lue
This workshop material from years ago....may be helpful!


Assertive People Do:
  1. Decide what they want.
   2. Decide if it is fair.
   3. Ask for it clearly.
   4. Are not afraid of taking risks.
   5. Are calm and relaxed.
   6. Express feelings openly.
   7. Give and take compliments easily.
   8. Accept and give fair evaluation.

 
Assertive People Do not:
  1. Beat about the bush.
   2. Go behind other people's backs.
   3. Bully.
   4. Call people names.
   5. Bottle up their feelings.

 
Aids For Developing Assertiveness:
  1. Models
   2. Love and encouragement
   3. Caring evaluation
   4. A sense of values
   5. A basic feeling of security

Comparing Responses 
The columns are not clear.  Ask for clarity if needed.There are two primative, adaptive, instinctive responses when encountering a problem area:  1)  a desire for flight or 2)  a desire to fight. We mostly experience these responses as fear or anger.  Both responses are basically "back-brain" or reactive in nature.  Assertiveness brings the "fore-brain" into play, bringing objectivity and "rationality".
 
      Under-Energy          Balanced           Over-Energy


 
PassiveFear Flight Submission
Under-energy
 
AssertiveClarity Communication Discussion Balanced  
AggressiveAnger Fight Combat
Over-energy
 
 
Non-Verbal Signals 
  Whining voice Clenched, wringing hands Shuffling Feet Downcast eyes Stoop, shoulder droop   Calm, controlled voice Relaxed posture Direct eye contact Arms open Upright   Shouting Loud voice Pointing finger Folded arms Still posture  
 


Key Words or Sentences 
  Maybe I guess I wonder Would you mind much? Sorry Excuse me please But You know If I hope you don't mind   I think I feel I want I'm willing Let's How can we resolve this? What do you think? What do you see?   You'd better If you don't Watch out Come on Should Bad Stupid ! You ! Just you wait 


Assertiveness Scale
Circle the quality in each pair which most describes how you see yourself.  This scale is simply for increased Self-awareness.

ASSERTIVENESS PASSIVITY
FINISH PROCRASTINATE
PARTICIPATE OBSERVE
INSIST GIVE UP
INSTIGATOR GOES ALONG
ACTS THINKS
CHALLENGING ACCEPTING
EXTROVERT INTROVERT
BOISTEROUS QUIET
GIVER RECEIVER
LEADER FOLLOWER
TALKER LISTENER
PUSHY RESERVED
INFORMS INQUIRES
OPEN SECRETIVE
ARGUE GIVE IN
CONTROLLING OBEDIENT
FORWARD HESITANT
OUTGOING SHY
APPROACH AVOID
VOLUNTEER WITHDRAW
 
                   TOTAL   ____________                   TOTAL   ____________

Recognizing and
Releasing Blocks

1. List Relationships:  (Mother, Father, Spouse, Children, Siblings, Boss, etc. etc)


 List Situations:  (Work, Groups, Parties, Confrontations, etc.)


2. List of Stress Statements  (Defuse energy on stressful statements)
  "I have a right to have feelings."
  "I respect my own feelings."
  "I believe in my Self and my choices."
  "I'm willing to love myself all the ways I am."
  "I easily express my Self."
  "I am able to express positive (negative) feelings."
  "It's OK to make mistakes."
  "I know what I want."
  "It's safe to want what I want."
  "It's OK for others to say "No" to me."
  "It's OK for me to say "No" to others."

3. Assertiveness is clearly declaring your own truth.
 "I feel  (emotion) and I want (be specific) and I am willing (__________)"

 Declaring "I want" without demand or obligation gives the other person the freedom to choose what is best for them.
 Love has nothing to do with fear, obedience, duty or obligation.

4. Affirmation:The more I respect myself, the more I respect others.
 The more I respect myself, the more others respect me.
 The more I respect myself, the more others respect themselves.
         Therefore, I choose to respect myself more.